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I posted before but didn't have time to meet with anyone. Please be self sufficient, alone (I mean really alone, not complicated or kinda alone or beefing with your girl alone.
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Are you attached and waiting. :).
I have 20 yrs exp.
When I ask my girlfriends about their firsts , sexually speaking, like me they remember. Oh, those tweener years; stolen glances led to brief flirtations, holding hands beget socially awkward relationships. We were inseparable from dawn until dusk. At sunset, we would share a lawn chair and talk. After a few days, he scooped my hand in his. My skin wanted to leap off of me and fling itself around his body.
One morning, after two weeks, he disappeared. I asked his grandmother where he was and vaguely remember a forlorn, almost defeated look in her eyes. While closing the door behind her, she said his parents took him back. Whispers surfaced about them physically abusing him.
This time they promised it would stop. I knew in that moment, I would never see him again. For a while I was heartbroken. No, that was a shame lavosh wrapped around pimiento olives, cream cheese, pastrami and pancetta, cloaked in a kangaroo pouch and served to a herd of famished, piranha-toothed gnomes, mercilessly scratching the crabs from their loins in a North Korean prison.
You get the idea. When I was ten, my parents took me to a breast surgeon fearing that I had breast cancer. Turns out I was developing. But not for long. That experience fucked with my head. I genuinely thought my smaller breasted cousins might be sexier and more doable than my breasty self.
If that were the case, would it mean I was doomed to a sexless life, only being felt up? Questions about my sexual future remained in a vortex of fear and curiosity and self loathing about the boobsie twins. By fifteen I wanted a breast reduction. At sixteen, a guy I was dating shoved his hand down my pants. Holy shit , I thought, maybe I am fuckable!
Regrettably, at the time, to him I was only fingerbangable. Oh well, at least I had new conundrums to stew in. When a man did want to fuck me, finally, all I could think about was the time my grandfather felt me up and why I was unfuckable to him. While that sounds insane on too many inexplicable levels, it was abundantly real to me. Was it a matter of taste? Did I have limited sex appeal? Without revealing what happened, I asked him why he wanted to fuck me not my grandfather, the guy.
His response at the time was fascinating, although in hindsight it was pretty generic: Eventually, sexually, I came into my own. I found my inner sluttiness and loved my sex life without guilt or reservation. For unrelated issues, during a session with my psychiatrist my experience being felt up surfaced.
His insistence that I was molested was met with fierce defiance and persistence that I was felt up. The two were worlds apart. Mostly what I gleaned from being felt up by my grandfather was multi-fold. Unknowingly, I was hyper-focused, bordering on obsessed with the fact that I was a girl. However, eventually, I found my way and came into my own as a whole person. Sure, it impacted the framework for a couple of years, but not enough to destroy me.
Believe it or not, I regard myself as lucky. From time to time, I think about how my sexual and life trajectory would have been impacted if he felt my lady parts or took my virginity.
Katie Schwartz is a comedy writer, producer and essayist, among other writerly things. She collects vintage tchotch, not bodies, which is surprising considering her obsession with death humor. You can catch her weekly column at Monkeybicycle and other print work on Huffington Post, Exquisite Corpse, or here. Katie Schwartz When I ask my girlfriends about their firsts , sexually speaking, like me they remember. Previous Post Wake in the Sky. Next Post Sheila the Destroyer. Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.
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