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Here was the pitch: We want you to write about how middle-aged men have no friends. The editor told me there was all sorts of evidence out there about how men, as they age, let their close friendships lapse, and that that fact can cause all sorts of problems and have a terrible impact on their health. As I walked back to my desk in the newsroom — a distance of maybe yards — I quickly took stock of my life to try to prove to myself that I was not, in fact, perfect for this story.
First of all, there was my buddy Mark. We went to high school together, and I still talk to him all the time, and we hang out all the. Wait, how often do we actually hang out? Maybe four or five times a year? And then there was my other best friend from high school, Rory, and. Had it already been a year? By the time I got back to my desk, I realized that I was indeed perfect for this story, not because I was unusual in any way, but because my story is very, very typical.
And as I looked into what that means, I realized that in the long term, I was heading down a path that was very, very dangerous. Vivek Murthy, the surgeon general of the United States, has said many times in recent years that the most prevalent health issue in the country is not cancer or heart disease or obesity. I have a wife and two young boys. I moved to the suburbs a few years ago, where I own a fairly ugly home with white vinyl siding and two aging station wagons with crushed Goldfish crackers serving as floor mats.
During the week, much of my waking life revolves around work. Or getting ready for work. Or driving to work. Or driving home from work. Much of everything else revolves around my kids.
Yes, I have friends at work and at the gym, but those are accidents of proximity. I rarely see those people anywhere outside those environments, because when everything adds up, I have left almost no time for friends. I have structured myself into being a loser. Schwartz, a Cambridge psychiatrist, and I had reached out to him because he and his wife, Dr.
Jacqueline Olds, literally wrote the book on this topic, The Lonely American: Drifting Apart in the Twenty-First Century. He agreed that my story was very typical. Beginning in the s, Schwartz says, study after study started showing that those who were more socially isolated were much more likely to die during a given period than their socially connected neighbors, even after you corrected for age, gender, and lifestyle choices like exercising and eating right.
One study found that it can be as much of a long-term risk factor as smoking. In , a huge study out of Brigham Young University, using data from 3.
Now consider that in the United States, nearly a third of people older than 65 live alone; by age 85, that has jumped to about half. Add all of this up, and you can see why the surgeon general is declaring loneliness to be a public health epidemic. Psychiatry has worked hard to de-stigmatize things like depression, and to a large part it has been successful. I comment on their Facebook posts. They comment on mine.
My wife and I also have other couples we like and see often. Like really do about it. Does that make us friends? Men need an activity together to make and keep a bond. Women can maintain friendships over the phone. My wife is capable of having long phone talks with her sister in Virginia or her friend Casey whom she sees in person almost every day , and I kind of look at it with amazement. I hate the phone. We need to go through something together.
When I was talking to Richard Schwartz, the psychiatrist told me something that had me staring off into the distance and nodding my head. Researchers have noticed a trend in photographs taken of people interacting. When female friends are talking to each other, they do it face to face. But guys stand side by side, looking out at the world together. But in the middle years of life, those side-by-side opportunities to get together are exactly the sort of things that fall off.
When you have a gap in your schedule, you feel bad running off with the fellas and leaving your partner alone to look for the shoes. This worked well for me over the past year however unintentionally with a college buddy named Matt. I texted him to congratulate him after the Cubs won the World Series. He did the same for me after the Patriots won the Super Bowl.
We have no further plans. That would take initiative. For a while, this was an escape fantasy that involved loading my family into an old Volkswagen bus, hitting the road, and setting off to look for America. The bus is gone.
And so is the escape fantasy. If I need someone to confide in, I have my wife. All the pieces are here, except one — the guys. But most of all, it was the acknowledgment from male friends that they needed their male friends, for no other reason than they just did. I tried to reach Ozzy, but he takes the winters off to go skiing in California and the number I had was disconnected.
This guy seems like he has some things figured out. Fellas, what are you doing this Wednesday? And the one after that? Consider it a standing invitation.
By Billy Baker March 09, Get Today's Headlines in your inbox:. Thank you for signing up! Sign up for more newsletters here. Related How can I call a convicted killer my friend? Most Popular in magazine Right Arrow. Subscribe to The Boston Globe today.
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A man called Dave said he feels the sting of loneliness on his commute every day, somewhere in the space between work Dave and home. Their loneliness is nothing to be ashamed off—instead, there is something here to be envied—because these men can come back inside. Here he shares his journey to overcome the sense of isolation he felt There would never be much conversation—some of these guys were in.