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Declare it first here. I Looking want to make sure we have a good connection before actually dating in person. I'm not seeking to leave my wife and definately not seeking for drama either.
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Fundamentally, they are unstable, like three legs on a table. Something always goes wrong, or at least it should, because triangles usually end up hurting people more than anything else.
Triangles exist simply because a problem is not being resolved in a marriage. Two people get married and have marital problems, instead of resolving those problems either by fixing the relationship or ending it, which by the way can be a valid resolution of a problem, a third party is brought into the relationship, and now you have a triangle. But I think there are plenty of people who never should have gotten together to begin with. A lot of misery is avoided with a respectful ending and opportunity to start again with someone else after a period of sincere efforts to fix a love relationship.
Instead, defensive stuff happens like distancing from each other or finding another lover to make up for what is not happening in the marriage. Too many pieces for stability what you get instead is fragmentation, conflict, and limited intimacy. The target of desire in the relationship is the woman. The marriage is active and bonded. For a time this may feel freeing and easy. Now she is growing used to the arrangement and has convinced herself that the triangle makes her disappointing marriage tolerable.
He may start thinking about asking her to leave her husband. This is when the trouble starts happening. My heart goes out to him more than any one else in this arrangement because he is usually the one who gets disturbed first and has more to lose.
He could be thrown out of the triangle and the married couple could end up fixing their relationship, this could happen. All three people in this triangular arrangement have their issues. It only brings this issue roaring to the surface. In my mind, this is an opportunity for growth because triangles are not good for people. The work needed is usually in the area of developing a better tolerance for love and intimacy by clearing out whatever fears and blockage the guy has in the way.
Then he can go after a whole and available single woman. Anyway, the married man like his supposed competition is afraid of a deeper intimacy as well. They have this in common. His willingness to live in a limited marital relationship thinly disguises this fear of deeper love and intimacy.
The question is whether or not the married man will fix this intimacy issue with this wife. In this kind of triangle with two men and a woman, there are instances when the two men fight over the woman. This kind of drama is amusing only because if they consciously knew how connected they both are and how much they have in common they might realize that it would be more profitable for both of them to have a conversation together about the whole thing in a coffee shop or something.
That way they would learn about their love life issues and probably resolve the triangle with less pain, skipping the whole painful machismo thing. Another interesting dynamic I find in this kind of triangle is, the married man could be functioning unconsciously in a pseudo-fathering role for himself and his wife. The clues for this kind of dynamic can sometimes be found in their sexual relationship. If sex is kind of weak and the romance is minimal, that could make it easier to create a father-daughter bond out of a husband-wife relationship.
OK, on to the married woman. I left the best for last because in this particular triangle, with one woman and two men, the triangle is really under her control. Her psychological issues are running the show, or more precisely, the triangle. One is stressful enough these days. This is the kind of situation that ages people.
If she could recover from such an evening and say, this is crazy! Unfortunately, most triangulated married women opt for a resurgence of effort and energy into getting better at controlling the double lives they are trying to lead. As a psychologist, I know that double living is toxic. Unfortunately, a lower percentage of married women in triangles have that insightful need for change I just described before the triangle falls apart against her will.
The common ways in which this kind of triangle falls apart are: The married woman has to either recommit herself to her marriage or grieve the loss of it. This will take emotional priority over starting a new committed love relationship. People need to leave something emotionally before they can recommit emotionally to something else. Otherwise the past, unfinished emotional business is always threatening to invade the present. It finally has come to an end when her husband and her decided she needed to quit her job in order to be away from me so that she could fix her marriage.
I have never been so hurt in my life. It has been 2 weeks since we have last talked. We both fell in love with each other and she even told me she would never have such a strong connection with anyone like me and her had. Thank you for your comment. Your heart is broken and you are in a very painful situation. You fell in love with the right woman at the wrong time in her life. The fact that she is not available is the source of your pain.
The fact that you fell in love, however, is a good thing. Once you have grieved the ending of this relationship and moved on, you can learn from your mistake and when ready find an available lover. I would recommend that you find a therapist to help you through the loss if the emotional pain becomes unbearable. I also hope that you will check back with us regarding our tele-workshops in the fall. Take good care of yourself through this difficult time.
I have seeked a therapist because I became so physically and mentally unhealthy. I loved this girl and wanted to marry her so bad. I knew she wanted the same but only if she was divorced.
We became absolute best friends to each other. I want to be happy and i know that since shes married I will never be happy with her. Thank you so much again for all of your advice and support.
I know its only been a short time but I am ready to fall in love and be happy for the rest of my life. I do think about her still every single day. But this story u wrote gave me such great closure to now that she choose to work on her marriage and not take that leap of faith with me. If she divorces I will have to worry about it then.
I too have something to say about this. I was the married woman and it I who has had my heart broken. I was having an affair with a younger man who I loved with my whole heart , body and soul. The other man told me he was happy with our situation as long as he could see me. I worried that he was lonely. I told him that I would never come between him and anyone else if he found someone because I loved him and wanted him to be happy.
I am the one who has had my heart torn to pieces and made to feel that this is all my fault. My heart goes out to anyone in this situation be it the other man or the other woman. I am left destroyed emotionally , mentally and physically. I will also love and miss my love for the rest of my life. I am just at this moment the other man in this triangle… She told me of a love that she is feeling for me, which I actually never believe could exsist around me.
I told her my plans which I would like to have with her and now she told me she needs time to decide if the can take the leap or not. I m the married woman of this triangle. I confessed to the other man.
He was not into me. Slowly he got pulled. I tried to break away. We both went in severe mood swings. But now I dream of physicality. My husband has a hang of it….. Hi Jenny, I experienced what you have gone through recently.
I still love her, think about her and care about her. Please contact me, I want to know how I can make her feel better about all this catastrophe. I am the unhappiest man since I knew all about that. God bless you and myself. Love has a price and we had to pay it. Jenny, I am right there with you.
What you need to trust is that he did and will always love you. Michael, I only wish your victory was something I shared in as well. I had to let her go today because she herself seems content to take care of and indulge her deadbeat husbands ways for the rest of her life and I absolutely hate that she has chosen that for herself. I am married for two years now but I realised that I chose a wrong man on the very first day of our marriage.
She said she wanted to go home. He bought her a ticket but she never boarded the flight. He had heard stories of brides and grooms abandoning their spouses once they reached Canada but Deepinder Mann never thought it would happen to him.
Mann says he spent two weeks with her but they did not consummate the marriage. He says he sensed something was wrong but she convinced him that she would be more comfortable once she lived with him in Canada. Copyright owned or licensed by Toronto Star Newspapers Limited. To order copies of Toronto Star articles, please go to: By Raveena Aulakh Staff Reporter.
The entire ugly process can be completed in a matter of months. Those who marry fraudulently are rarely deported. At least 70 per cent of the cases are from South Asia, he said. The sponsorship period was 10 years but it was reduced to three years a couple of years ago. In three weeks, she disappeared, said Vanderhorst, now Nothing was done, he said.
There are concerns that a temporary visa would force women to stay in abusive relationships. He believes people need to be educated about the pitfalls of marrying outside Canada. He next saw Kumari this January at the trial, where charges against him were dismissed.
He also went to India and registered cheating cases against Kaur and her family. In March, he discovered that she had come to Canada again. Report an error Journalistic Standards About Us. Canada Border Services Agency , India. My Star location Select Location. Tony, your entry, which is correct, is taken whole from Perfessor that's how he spells it Cumber's list of pet peeves about English usage.
I commend the brief list to anyone interested in usage questions; it's an entertaining, commonsense guide www. I agree with all the writers who wonder about reporters' use of "hung" where "hanged" would be correct. Don't get me started on the other common grammatical errors in journalism.
I have concluded that either that there are no editors anymore, or the editors are just as ignorant as the reporters. I do believe it may be used either way now due to my arguements with somone who may not wish their name let out.
Anyway as I read this I may see that everyones findings are from old uses. I believe the correct usage of hanged has changed into hung. Thusly because the value of human life is mostly viewed lower than it should these days. Hung is correct in my belief but if I were correcting a paper I would not count hanged as wrong anymore. I'm not exactly a prescriptivist. After all, we haven't spoken Old or even Middle English for centuries now. But I do find it sad that we have come to accept virtually any ignorant, sloppy, lazy mangling of our language.
I guess political correctness has made even the stupid a protected class that we can't possibly offend. Merriam-Webster's Concise Dictionary of English Usage says this is not a mistake, and if you use it you will be stigmatized for doing something that is not wrong.
Actually, that's not exactly what Merriam-Webster says. DBP's posting from M-W is more complete and precise. Oh, and for what it's worth, The dictionary's quoting of Ronald Reagan is hardly an endorsement for proper grammar. If anything, it proves the opposite point. I think it's amusing and ironic that that particular Reagan quote has made it into the dictionary.
He has been publicly and frequently lambasted for that very quote, as one of many malapropisms for which he was famous. He was constantly ridiculed for his misuse of the English language. I welcome the gradual disappearance of "hanged". I came to this page because I heard reporters saying it on television, and the usage just sounded wrong to me.
For me there is no important distinction in the word. If someone is hung on a coat hook as a joke versus being hanged for murder, I would lose no meaning if the terms were switched.
DBP's quote is from Merriam-Webster's dictionary. Next time I wear a tux to a neck-tie party, I'll say the "guest of honor" would be hanged. If I wear khaki pants and a polo shirt, I'll say he'd be hung. Some news agencies abide by a specific "style" such as AP Style, or Chicago Press Style whereby certain matters are addressed in grammar to distinguish one meaning from another.
The reporters may simply be using a particular style, and quite actually saying it correctly according to the style. There is not a universally correct grammar, especially in regard to news reporting grammar style. Were do you think 'hung drawn and quartered' came from? Because they 'hung' people. It has multiple meanings. I understand that the word "hanged" is a proper verb for capital punishment, what about if it is self-inflicted?
Thanks for your answer, you will be settling a bet between me and my overeducated husband who can't spell or write properly. Alla, it doesn't matter if the hanging is self-inflicted. I appreciate the distinction between the two forms. They've been talked about as different verbs, but really I think they're basically the same thing suspension of some kind. So I think it's neat that we have a way of using this verb for this specific context of capital punishment.
On the other hand, the fortunate rarity of hangings these days naturally pushes the distinction into some obscurity. I have no problem with this either, but it's probably why news reporters may not always make it. Many usage commentators recognize that this is a standard use, but some commentators, who apparently haven't done their research, persist in saying it's wrong. In Old English they were 2 verbs: Other pairs like this include lie - lay and sit -set. John, when you say " Since your last two posts, in well over a year, no one has asserted that "hung" is wrong.
Actually, in all of the above posts, only two commentators, the second and third, back in , made such an assertion, and only once each. How exactly does that qualify as "persistence"? Are you referring to my reply to alla arcuri? I never said that "hung" was wrong. I merely said that if a hanging is self-inflicted instead of capital punishment, then "hanged" is still appropriate. Just how much "research" is required? A simple check of one or a few dictionaries confirms what I said.
You have stated several times I assume you're the same John as before that "hung" is correct, but you have never claimed that "hanged" is incorrect, did you? Can I assume you don't have a problem with the word "hanged"? You're not saying "hanged" is wrong, are you?
Every source I have checked says that "hanged" is especially appropriate to describe death by hanging and no, I did not just say that "hanged" is right and "hung" is wrong. I don't think you disagree with this either, do you? So, um, what's the problem? Most people don't say they "hanged a picture", right?. And, I guess some newsreporters notwithstanding, most people still say "hanged by the neck until dead", right?
And if both these statements are true, that still doesn't mean that "hung" is wrong in the same context, right? People who write books about English usage. Some of them tell us that "hung" is wrong when referring to death by hanging. But if they looked at the actual usage, they would see that both "hung" and "hanged" have been used in this context.
Of course, i won the bet. In addition, I think our great language has evolved or maybe "devolved" is a better term to the point where if enough people are using the incorrect form -then is becomes the norm.
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