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What is the difference between unicorn triad and a poly-fi triad? In the polyamory community, a unicorn is considered by many as a negative term.
Though it is usually used to describe a woman, the HBB the hot, bi babe , there are male versions of the unicorn who can face the same challenges. For the sake of this article, we will focus on the female version of the unicorn. Such a woman would love both the man and woman in a pre-existing dyad equally and would be sexual with both of them. She would not want any other partners except them and would be willing to change her life in order to be with them.
There are others points to it, but this covers major aspects. In the poly community, unicorn hunters are considered to be couples dyads that are looking for the HBB. They tend to be new poly couples not always but usually.
Such dyads may have specific rules that allow them toend the poly relationship, send the unicorn away, and stay together. The unicorn will be the girlfriend to the couple. The couple is usually considered a primary relationship, while the girlfriend will be a secondary partner to both.
If the girlfriend has any other partners, she would be expected to end those relationships in favor of the unicorn triad. The dyad, on the other hand, are allowed to date each other without the girlfriend.
A unicorn triad is considered unequal and unfair to the girlfriend in the poly community and looked upon very negatively. A poly-fi triad is a closed triad relationship. They consider each other equal partners in an egalitariantriad relationship and will not have any other partners but each other. The partners will all be sexual together, as a group or in any pairing, and no pair has more power or control in the relationship than the other partner.
A poly-fi triad may decide to add other partners later. Why is unicorn hunting frowned upon in the poly community? One reason is that some people choose to ignore basic poly etiquette. Different communities have their own vocabularies that are specific to that community. Some words have a positive connotation, while others have negative ones.
Unicorn and unicorn hunting are considered negative. When a couple comes in and starts stating they are unicorn hunting, they are stating in poly vocabulary , that they want to find a woman that is disposable. No matter how much you insist it means something else, it takes time and majority acceptance to redefine the word. Unfortunately, the poly community can be harsh in its correction of such word usage, and this would only cause people to continue to be antagonistic on both sides.
Another reason unicorn hunting is frowned upon is because of the inequality of the relationship created. Louisa Leontiades shares a great article about this topic by Natja the original is located here. The dyad has all the power, and their girlfriend has none. She is at their mercy. She has to accept their rules and has no say.
No matter how you look at it, these statements show an unequal balance of power. This is a key reason why poly people do not like unicornhunting. When a woman enters into a pre-existing relationship, she creates a new relationship dynamic. It is not fair to her or the relationship to be forced into the couples pre-defined relationship mold.
The people involved should sit down and communicate. This communication is important. The old dynamic that the dyad or the single woman had cannot continue because the relationship status is no longer a dyad or a single woman. In some cases, marriage is proposed before they ever meet.
The women are treated as replaceable. Please remember, some people spend their whole lives trying to find one person to love.
If you are part of a dyad, you already found that person. Now, you want to find another person who not only loves you but your partner as well. In addition, if you are seeking a unicorn triad, you are asking them to give up a lot of personal autonomy and submit to the will and dictates of you. I wonder why it takes so long to find a woman willing to do that? People want to be treated as equals.
A unicorn triad is not the way to go. An egalitarian poly-fi triad is what you should seek. There are women who want to be part of a triad. Triads are normal in polyamory. Let it happen naturally.
Meet people, make friends. It may take a year. It may take 5 years. Rush it, force it, and it may never happen. A unicorn triad and a poly-fi triad are not the same thing.
Seeking an equal partner and friend is what you should be doing. I so agree with you on this. Couples are often looking for a third, normally a woman. I absolutely hate this. Thank you for posting this. I will be posting and referring to your blog in my entry on Fetlife soon. There only 2 possibilities. All 3 are a match. If not then again 2 possibilities: Seriously where is the basis for name calling or any other sh t like that going on here?
These are terms that have been in the poly community for a number of years. They are associated with the actions mentioned in the article. The problem is that relationship dynamic, as you pointed out, has a high a chance of faliure assuming the goal is to be part of a polyamorous triad.
Why would anyone support or endorse such a dysfunctional relationship dynamic? What will happen then? Do you expect your primary to put down the dog? I agree that people will break up. But the problem here is that it is a setup that lends itself to breaking up. Then she gets upset when you get upset, not understanding why you are angry. She set herself up for conflict by picking an activity that she knew could cause conflict. They are surprised people get upset when they talk about how things went wrong…in fact they may lash out at the people telling them what they did wrong.
The point of the article is to inform, make people aware. If a person sees themselves in it, then maybe they need to consider what is being said instead of becoming defensive and rejecting it.
It really makes me mad that Poly people get so angry about this. Why does my relationship have to answer to your narrow minded rules? Equality and respect is sooooo narrow minded.
What is this world coming to? Dysfunctional relationship dynamics exist in monogamy. Do you think that stops when people become poly?
No dysfunctional relationship dynamics exit poly? Of course they do. But people are free to do what ever they want. I agree that singles of either sex should not be hunted and should not be expected to jettison everything but this is not just an issue exclusive to the couple seeking singles dynamic. This is an issue in all relationships in our culture. Management and hiring theory for a long time encouraged looking for that perfect employee.
At 52, I certainly fall prey to this, despite considering myself poly because I do not believe anyone person can fill all the nooks and crannies in my soul. No person is perfect. Expect extra-ordinary and work to create perfection…. Not to blow my own trumpet or anything, but I am the author of the article about Couple Privilege and Unicorn Hunting, not Louisa Leontiades, in fact it is a cross post originally posted on Apolyglot in March However, Louisa is a writer and author of many Poly and feminist articles and she is getting plenty of positive exposure at the moment, Go Louisa!!!!
The issue is something which too few men and women are speaking intelligently about. We have been looking for a 3rd for a while but are most certainly not looking for someone that is disposable or that is just going to conform to our relationship.
I am married and not looking to change that. I'm waiting for a friend to hang out with and someone who enjoys the sane things I do. You were tall, blonde, with pearly black straight teeth. Married and missing out If that captured your curiosity, I have some questions for you.
So they names and try to put people down.