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Big community funding update! Dating the super-busy July 14, 8: Recently, I met a guy who's pretty extraordinary, enough to make me realise how much talking-myself-into-it I've done about other crushes and flings in the past few years. He's smart, curious about the world, quick-witted and funny enough to make me cry laughing, totally attractive, kind, politically right-on, polite to waiters, a fellow smoker Even the first time we had sex was pretty good, with all the qualities I like in a partner and lots of laughing and both of us getting off repeatedly.

The only thing is, he's insanely busy, work and then school and then other school and then some. I actually find this pretty attractive, as my usual routine is being The Busiest Person You Know hence, single!

My experience of relationships with less busy people has been a lot of conflict and hurt about time, and my ideal is someone who's in a similar situation to me and can work with being on both sides of the busy situation. I'm not looking for him to change. We've had one date, but it was a day and a half long and ended in us borrowing stuff off each other, and in the week since we've been in daily contact by email.

So, being the less busy person right now, I'm not used to this: Current an anxious wreck. Any advice on strategies, or how you would like this to go if you are, or have been, insanely busy at the early stages of dating?

Whenever I socialize with people who are busier than I am, I let them be the ones to decide when to fit me into their schedules, since my schedule adjusts more easily than theirs.

Being super-busy can give one a sense of accomplishment, but it also easily leads to emergencies when you need to do things but don't have time to do them. People can become very stressed by this, they may be suffering from sleep deprivation, and then they may become very angry when others make additional demands on their time.

So my advice is to proceed with caution. Yeah, as a perennially super busy person who frequently dates people with a lot more schedule slack than I have, it's kind of stressful to get multiple hang-out requests while I'm in flat out work mode, especially from someone new, because I feel I have to be "on," and can't just go have a quick chill outing.

I'm trying to make a good impression and I don't want to seem distracted, not put-together, stressed. Maybe amp up your own activities so you're super busy too and don't have time to freak out? I agree with leaving things in his court. Yeah, you've made a couple of attempts already, so leave the next step to him. Let me know when you'd like to hang out," or something along those lines. You can continue to chat by e-mail, but let him take the initiative when he's ready to get together again.

I dated an extremely busy guy once, and it wasn't his being busy that bothered me. It was the fact that he sort of just fit me in whenever it was convenient, and if it wasn't, I might not hear from him for weeks not even a quick hello by e-mail. The message was, "You mean less to me than everything else in my life. So I would beware of taking more initiative than he does just because you have less on your plate right now.

Seeing how he naturally prioritizes work, school, dating, etc. I met the woman I married while working full time and getting an MBA at night 4 classes the semester we met.

My weekend days were in group project work. I have two overriding thoughts. One, if he wants to make time, he will. Not every night, but he can find time once a week for at least an hour of drinks or a casual meal. He has to eat anyway right? Also, with email, texting and other instant type communication sort of like the phone when I was your age. That thing that is part of the sms device , there is no reason why he and you cannot be in touch daily or more or less depending on what you both think is reasonable.

Two, it will be very hard to develop a full emotional relationship. Good chance you end up being friends with benefits type relationship. Relationships develop with face to face communication and spending time together.

There will be a lot of pressure when you do get together. Be careful with this "super busy" thing. I put up with it for a long time in one relationship, and right before I was about to say "I'm going to find someone less busy" he dumped ME and proceeded to dote on another woman and have time for her he never had for me.

I'm not saying your dude is that. But listen to your instincts if you think it is. Yep I've been the super busy guy in my younger days. Unless he is in a profession that requires him quite literally to be on-call then at some point he can make time for you. Don't let it progress very far without demanding at least that from him. Many people who are "Super busy" just don't know how to prioritize things. If you aren't a priority get the fuck out.

As a lawyer, who married a litigator, who's related to other litigators, who work hour weeks They may not be able to make as MUCH time as they'd like to, or as much as you'd like them to. Whether you can deal with that is up to you.

A really, really nice thing to do, when someone is working this hard, is to drop a nice brown-bag lunch by their office if you can. And if this wouldn't be creepy or stalkery. Or have something sent up for them on a night you know they're working late.

Something that says, "I am thinking of you, I know you are working too hard, and I want to take care of you while you are working crazy hours in this little way that does not demand your time but in fact makes your life easier. When my husband litigates I try to relieve the pressure on him by doing little things that take small amounts of time but add up to stress for him if he has to do them, whether that's putting away his laundry, making him a lunch, picking up all his papers after he's gone to bed and restoring them to his briefcase before morning -- whatever.

I also often make him a snack plate for right when he gets home and leave it on the counter so he can eat as soon as he comes in, because he's always forgetting to eat when he litigates and not eating makes him the crankiest person on the planet.

The best things you can do for someone who is this busy and works this hard is to try to show them affection in ways that RELIEVE their stress and that don't demand time. At least with litigators, there are periods of insane business and periods of more normal hours, and I always know the normal hours we'll have more time together.

I have had a busy to insane schedule in the many years I've been with my husband -- but always found time to spend with him. I'd hang loose right now, as the ball is definitely in your romantic interest's court.

But I have to say that really keen people find the opportunities to see and talk to the people they are keen on. That this isn't happening suggests your level of interest may be greater than his. And by the way, apparently extraordinary people like this guy may be around because they make a practice of really never being truly available. Sometimes people stay away from making a commitment, because they prefer to be in control of the relationship, or because they like the flattery of being pursued and desired, or because they are not willing to trust someone else to accept their off stage persona.

Not saying that is the case here, but reminding you that you don't know this guy very well, so stay alert. That sounds actually kind of great - I'm happy for you! Two busy people can make a great long-term relationship, though the early dating stages may be kind of hell on skates. For me, similar situations have resulted in getting extrmely casual around each other pretty quickly.

I give the other person a run-down of my schedule okay, I'd love to do coffee, I'm free Tuesday at 2, Wednesday after work till 7, and then not again till Sunday, when I know you've got to work, but if anything changes Sunday afternoon would be awesome, otherwise maybe Monday lunch, so long as I'm back in the office by 1: The errands and the dates blur, and suddenly you're in each other's hip pockets and being super-practical, but having a great time. It's too much work to have a budding relationship, which fosters kind of an all or nothing approach.

For the short-term, your job is done - he knows you want to see him, and he's got some options of when that might be, so his next step is to send you a counter-proposal. If he doesn't do so right away, that may just be that the hypothetical counter-proposal would be for more than a week from now, and that feels ridiculous.

Give him some time after the weekend, if you know he's busy till then then get him on the phone and ask him to give you some options to see what might fit with you. I can empathize with being busy, but I also know what it's like when someone uses busyness as a way of keeping me in a one-down position. When I'm extra-busy, I am more careful about being polite and keeping my word, not less.

So if he is at any point actively rude or inconsiderate - ignores an invitation, stands you up, cancels at short notice without an excellent excuse and without proffering a concrete plan to make it up to you - take it as a sign of how important you are to him.

If he says "I'm super busy this week but can I call you on Sunday and see where I am," and then he does it - even if it's just to explain why he can't see you the following week - that's okay. If he doesn't call on Sunday, and then calls on Wednesday, that's bad, especially if he's only calling to tell you he'll call you sometime in the undetermined future. You have to regard waffling as a way of putting you in your place, even if he's totally innocent and that's the furthest thing from his mind, because unfortunately you will end up in a one-down position because of it.

You will be sitting by the phone at 10pm having waited all day for a call that never comes. If he doesn't have time for this, why would he assume you did? If you end up having to call him on Wednesday, that's the absolute worst. If you do that, it should only be to draw a line under the interaction, as in "sorry we won't be meeting," and hang up on him for what you assume is forever.

If he wants to come back to you, he can do it on his own steam and with a concrete plan for actually seeing you. If he calls back, but with more cat-stringing, maybe he thinks he's going to see you again, but you know he really isn't. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's basically the way it is. If they're busy, that's not a good reason for wasting your time and stringing you along.

If they're really busy, they haven't got time to start new relationships. If I'm huffy about this, it's because I speak from a lot of bad past experience. I'm sore because I've recently ejected a colleague and supposed friend, because he keeps ignoring and waffling on an invitation networking appointment that he asked me to make in the first place, claiming to be overwhelmed by stuff that he must have known he would be doing literally months in advance.

This, combined with a large number of tweets that regardless of what was really happening behind the scenes were incongruent, sometimes pointedly so, with being so overwhelmingly busy that he had no choice but to ignore my invitation - has made me feel manipulated at best.

Given our history, he could be trying to manipulate me into doing a number of things, but I have to assume that it's his passive-aggressive way of burning bridges because that's the only thing that wouldn't force me to throw away my respect for myself and him. He won't hear from me again, ever. So there was this one episode of How I Met Your Mother when Ted goes on a two-minute date with this girl because she's super busy.

Why not see if he can spare fifteen minutes for you to go for a quick coffee nearby or something?

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Especially if you plan on trying to raise together. You should be prepared for the reality that he never live up to his potential, especially if he has someone to support him.

Sorry but it could happen, not that it necessarily. So, is that a deal breaker? A couple of my favorite lines in a Cake seem very appropriate here: The ornaments look but they're weighing down the branches of the tree. I don't want to sit a across the table from you, wishing I could run. It was following her actually telling me the truth about her life. She had made some really dumb choices in the past, she was ashamed and that I'd find out and leave. She'd had an abusive stepfather and a mother who took no action after it was discovered.

Screwed her up good. However as others have noted be the case here, she clung to it for protection. She used it as a defense of any fucked up action, after all, she had suffered so much.

There was no way I could understand, no way I could relate and therefore I was insensitive because my response was much that it was not the reason she continued to make poor choices. The fact is that people CAN relate, we all have things that have been "done" to us we had no control over.

Things that hurt us and we didn't handle well, we've all fucked up our lives at one point or another. We've all hurt someone we and been hurt in return, its part of the human condition. But there's a breaking point, that point in time where your life is now your own. You have to look around and take stock, realize you've placed yourself where you are.

Its hard to give up that trump card, that ace in the hole that allows us to slip the weight of responsibility and escape the brunt of the consequences. Because when you toss that away the light turns upon ourselves, from that point forward we are the ones that stand in judgment of our own actions.

So before you discard this guy because he's so insensitive perhaps he's one who MORE sensitive? He's also brave knowing until you take that step you cannot get over your past. Once you do you'll be able to look him in the eye on things, become the partner you are capable of, a full partner not a dependent one. That new independence could come at the price of him losing you because you'll no longer hold him above yourself.

You'll be able to tell him when he's full of shit and stand on your convictions. Maybe this costs you guys the relationship, maybe not but if you actually listen and then seek therapy, which you definitely should you might find the message the same.

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