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In fact, you just might love them. Sometimes the pain is immediate: Sometimes it creeps up on you: This has gone from a minor annoyance to a major and central problem in your relationship. The more you can identify and understand the nature of your own feelings, the easier it will be for you to process and act on them in a healthy way. Their sexual past goes against all of your deeply held values about the way people should conduct themselves, what is good, what is proper, and what is right.
How could they just throw away their virginity like it was nothing? They must not have any values. Nobody has any values anymore. They just threw their body away and never thought twice. But by seeing their choices for what they are differences between you and them , you can use the knowledge to adjust your understanding of your partner. What do those choices really say about them? Where did their choices come from psychologically?
Would they makes those choices again? Were their decisions a fluke of youth, or a part of their current character? How has their sexual past shaped their attitudes today? What does that mean for your compatibility in the future?
People can change for the better, and kids do stupid things. They might feel as bad or worse about the events in their past as you do. In effect, you just found out that your girlfriend or boyfriend is less yours. They physically have already given a big piece of themselves to somebody else. That makes your piece pretty worthless. And it makes it an unfair trade for you to give so much of yourself for that thing everybody else just took for nothing.
But you already traded, and now you feel ripped off in a very bitter way. What a fool you are to have cared about them and built them up to be this great thing, when they were just like everybody else. What a fool you are to have thought you had something special and unique.
There are many ways to possess someone, besides just physically. As someone who is waiting till marriage, you are hoping to be owned physically by your spouse by giving them your virginity and thus your only full-body commitment and taking theirs in return.
You no doubt think and rightly so that this increased physical ownership between the two of you will multiply the emotional ownership, and contribute to a deeper, more lasting marriage.
There is only one way to fix this: You have to make damn sure that you have extra emotional ownership to compensate for the lack of extra physical possession. They were supposed to save themselves for you , and they went and gave it up to somebody else. You thought they made emotional commitments to you, but those commitments are clearly shallow and meaningless compared to your own. Or they might be fine with their past really depends on the person.
In any case, give them credit for the things they do now to be true to you, in the ways that they can. Somebody else got to experience more of your partner than you can. You wish you could have been that other person…you wish you could have had that experience.
Jealousy is a function of insecurity. The more insecure you are, the more jealous you will feel. And conversely, the less insecure you are, the less jealous you feel. There is also the possession factor: This is an amplified, more painful version of what you feel when you see somebody with the newest iPhone, if that iPhone represented all your hopes and dreams.
The ultimate cure for jealousy is to have the same or better experiences with your partner as they had with their ex es. Their past will largely stop bothering you the instant you share the same experience with them i. Either you are going to marry this person, in which case you will have far more and freakier sex with them than they ever had with any ex. You are the one that has earned their modern affections. You are the one they love now.
You are the one their more mature self has chosen. Do they still think of their ex? Are they satisfied with you? What if she is thinking about sex with her other partners more than she thinks about sex with you? What if his ex was more experienced and made him feel better than you can? Your imagination is your own worst enemy here. But the reality is often much more boring than that. As crazy as it sounds, sometimes it helps to meet their exes. Do what you can to throw cold facts on your hellish imagination, and it will calm the inflammation a little.
Also, focus on being really, really good at all the things you do with your partner, both physically and otherwise. Make it your mission in life to rock their world in all the ways that you can. Use that to your advantage. You wanted to marry another virgin so it would be perfect. You wanted the perfect relationship, the perfect love, and the perfect marriage. Not like you had pictured at all. Your original fantasy was a lasting marriage with a wonderful person who you adore and who adores you back.
All of the above pains are feelings that come along with being emotionally invested in somebody. This is where people usually get into trouble. And by the time you feel all the bad emotions, they cloud you so badly that they overshadow the lovey feelings that lead to them.
If your partner did something current, like cheated on you, you would go through many of the same emotions, and after fighting about it your partner might wonder if you were going to break up with them. And maybe you would. But when you fight about the past it goes a bit differently. Never forget how rare it is to find somebody who you love enough to be vulnerable to. In your life you will date so many people who you could take or leave regardless of what their past looks like.
Mike handles all of the programming and design work for WTM. Although he still writes the occasional article , he spends most of his time these days creating new site features and keeping everything organized. Mike is web software developer by day, and is in school to become a psychologist. In his free time Mike enjoys running, biking, and movies. I want a virgin there I said it, in general I want someonewith morals that match mine.
A beed hopping guy, or only in a relationshis guy does not have the same morals I do period. I want the whole enchilad so to speak. If I had a choice, of course I would want to find another waiter. And my natural impulse is to view anything less as a kind of unideal compromise. For people who are already in relationships with non-waiters and want some help managing their emotions. Not so they can settle, but so they can focus on getting the most out of a relationship that they want to be in right now for their own reasons.
Because I have met exactly one non-waiter girl who I felt I could be rapturously happy with and feel lucky to have…without ever feeling like I was settling because of her not waiting. I often think of her when I argue for giving non-waiters a chance to make you happy. I have also seen through this site and in my personal life several relationships work very well between a waiter and a non-waiter.
Plus I have seen people change, and I have changed. Because I am trying to flesh it out as I go and see if it can work. I am not totally convinced that us waiters should be open to marrying non-waiters.
But similar to a scientist developing a hypothesis, I try to argue the issue as if I was convinced that waiters should be open to marrying non-waiters , in part to see if it logically holds up or falls apart when I try to argue it. I do this not a little bit for my own purposes see 2 , but also for the cause on the whole to add to the discussion and trigger great counter arguments like yours.
Because I once eviscerated a long-term girlfriend over her sexual history only to feel horrible and instantly clear about the issue right after I had hurt her beyond the point of no return.
All that said, I wish you a very heartfelt godspeed in finding another virgin waiter. You can do it, and many before you have. We are out there! Sorry if I sounded deranged, in my last post. This article actually really helped me. I found it really hard to discover all of her sexual past. I knew some of it, but this was too much for me to handle. When she told me how she lost her virginity, she said she was 17 and was away with a friend on a trip away from home.
OK, I have rambled long enough. I really like this site. It really showed me how to deal with things. My boyfriend and I are both 19 young I know. We have been dating for a year and a half now. When we started dating I was 18, and he was 17, almost We both told eachother our pasts, and I seemed to be ok with his. He had slept with a girl before when he was 17, a few months before he started dating me.
He had only done things with that one girl. I, on the other hand had done stuff with a bunch of guys, but I never went all the way and had sex. I lost my virginity to him, and today I regret.
One day it just hit me, and I cant get it out of my head. We have gotten in so many fights about it, and actually broke up once because i felt like i could no longer take it. I asked him about his ex and the experience and he told me things, I wish I never knew. It hurts me so much that he would go and just do it with her after she cheated on him, and had sex with other dudes. He said he did it because he was jealous how other guys had her.
It makes me so upset! He gave his body to her, a girl who treated him like crap. I feel like I just get the left overs. I need help, and need advice about how I should deal with this and get over it. I really do love him, and I feel that is why this is so hard. I forgot, we both decided not to have sex anymore until marriage hopefully to eachother. I could never do that! Maybe thats why it hurts me so much? Please, I just need advice.
I need some advice and to share my situation, this site seems more friendly than most places on the internet. I am having difficulties dealing with the sexual history of my girlfriend. We have been dating for 9 months and I am very much in love with her.
I am 27 and she is We were friends before we started dating and I believed she had not had sex before; I think this may be why I am struggling to deal with the situation perhaps, that is me trying to rationalize it. The feeling that makes me feel worse is I am not completely innocent. When I was 14 I had sexual relations with another guy yes did about everything I can do to another guy.
I got myself in a few situations where things happened, but I never actually had sex. When I was like this I felt like I was trying to take advantage of women; this feeling made me hate myself. As a result, I changed and decided I would wait for someone I really wanted to be with.
It took me 6 years to date someone I really wanted to be with. To further complicate matters I stopped waiting and had sex with her.
Now it feels extremely shallow for me to have these feelings regarding her past. Please help me deal with my feelings. Then I get this mental image stuck in my head of him and someone else.
This article is really what I feel as of the moment. We werent dating then. We were just friends. I love him and I know what I want to do…. I want to get past it. I want to move on and look forward to a better future with him…. There are a number of articles on the net regarding this topic written by bitter people and the articles themselves will not help you.
Mike has clearly experienced the topic at hand and knows what he is talking about. I am not a waiter and neither is my partner.
I am such a hypocrite because Ive had more sexual experience than her but her sexual past has continued to haunt me for some time. I love my fiance and soon to be wife deeply. There is nothing I would not do for her. My feelings for her transcend government, law, religion and anything else you can think of.
I asked my partner about her sexual past and she feels very protected, safe and open with me so she told me everything honestly. Her number is rather small but the fact that men have used and abused her and she stayed with them devastates me.
It makes me worry deeply. My imagination is my worst enemy. Usually if my imagination is torturing me Ill ask her for a particular detail and find relief because the truth is not half as bad as my imagination.
I do understand that I have to get over this. If I am asked a question about my ex I really have to stop and think about it because that person is a fading and distant memory. So I realize every time I ask her I am giving power to that memory. Which annoys me in itself. I dont want to do it but i feel compelled. My partner is an amazing, caring, thought full and loving woman. When I told her how I feel she apologized to me and told me she wished she had waited for me and that itself really helped me.
We have an amazing life together in every area but I constantly am tortured by my imagination and the fact that I will never be able to dominate her in bed how others have. I guess ultimately the two options are: I recently found out the girl I am falling in love with has in a recent past slept with a old friend now enemy of mine. She does not even acknowledges him when they see each-other but I cannot stop thinking about how this girl could talk herself into sleeping with such person.
Except the previous girl was a slut, who had slept with many people I knew and continued to talk to them as friends. My boyfriend found this article and showed it to me. I feel awful about my past and would never want him to be hurt by it. I know he has felt every one of the emotions listed in this post, because he has expressed it to me. I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how I can make him more comfortable with me.
If anyone has advice on how to help him through this tough period please let me know. For starters, be patient. Even when he lashes out and says horrible things. Try not to view his turmoil as a threat to how he feels about you. He wants to find a way to get past this.
Also — this may just work on guys — anything that you can do to rebuild his ego will help. Show him that he has more of you physically. Make him pity the other guy. Hi mike, After reading your article and the comments everyone had given. I got the courage to share my story. When I got I started talking with a guy and within 2 months I fell in love with him. I had never met him though, but what he told and the way he cared about me I was totally in love with him.
We both had our secrets… But when we met, things slipped and we ended up having sex. We had accepted each other as being a couple. From then on after every months for next 3 years, we used to meet and have sex and enjoy our time with each other. If tempted by the same sex or even being intimate with my partner I would like to wait till being married.
But of entering in a relationship and that also of telling my whole part to the other person really scares me, knowing that this person will always be hurt and so will I be too. Another perfect page outlining how the doctrines of religion to do with human relationships creates more damage than harmony.
Good job bible bashers. I would not continue to date or marry a woman who is not a virgin, even if I really liked her otherwise. But, for those who would and there is nothing wrong with that I would imagine it is exteremely important to be able to move past their sexual history. Great article Mike, I enjoyed reading! Its amazing how many comments are directed towards people hurting trying to get over their current lovers sexual past.
This is a major issue for relationships today. Figured this would be a good halloween true story… anyway… I was a waiter who is now divorced from who I waited for. After the divorce I started seeing someone who I grew to love again pretty quickly. At first she seemed so sweet and innocent and judging by our conversations I began to feel that she might still be a virgin. She was 26 and I was 30 at the time.
We grew to be best friends and talked about everything. This turned out to be a very bad idea when it came to her sexual past. I remember it like it was yesterday, laying and cuddling no sex she told me she had slept with 20 other guys!
Instantly I was shocked, hurt, and felt cheated. My biggest mistake was for the next 3 or 4 months I kept prying in and wanting more details… and she gave them. One night stand with a guy 13 years older than her.
Had guys texting her dirty pictures of themselves… I think you get the point. This hurt bad enough and I loved her so much at the same time that I actually felt like ending my life over the pain and grief it was causing both of us. So I made a List of all the wonderful things about her and all the amazing fun times we have had since we met and I read it over and over whenever I had a dwelling relapse.
The only thing that changed was how I began to treat her after knowing. Did I really think that if she found fulfillment, peace, and happiness with her previous promiscuity that she would want to stop doing it and be with me? It was very obvious that she felt terrible about her past, and the last thing she needed was some idiot bringing it up to her and pouring salt on a wound.
So I stuck to my lists and as time went by my thinking changed to a loving, caring, sensitive, and respectful for her. She is an amazing woman, and I am lucky to be loved by her! Since then we have been so amzingly happy and she is a blessing in my life.
Hope I havent bored you too much… this last statement always helped me: Love and be loved. Take each day for what it is. Just be bloody happy and stop focusing on…SEX!!!!! My girlfriend has had men. A gangbang and 3 somes with two other men at once.
What can I do? You might have way more to worry about with this one. Not a troll, just very concerned and struggling.. Jof — Sorry for the false accusation of trollhood. The topic of this website makes for alluring trollbait as you can probably imagine , so that makes my troll alarm a little oversensitive.
That kind of past is a giant, burning red flag that there are probably some issues under the surface with her. Disclaimer for anybody about to flame me: So to summarize, Jof: First make sure she is capable of having a relationship, then make sure you actually want a relationship with her apart from her past , THEN worry about dealing with her past. Hey Dan, my husband is really going crazy over my past.
Before I was with him I did some tings in my past and I was totally honest with him about it. After we got married thats when it started bothering him. He has hit me once because of his anger and has said alot of mean things to me. Sometimes he will be fine and then another moment he will be mad at me and look at me with disgust. Is there anything i can do to help him or anything i can suggest to him that might help him because i fear for our marriage and my safety.
Hi, Read your article and may be you could help me.. I am in a relation from the past 8 months. Recently 2 weeks ago he read a mail of mine chat msg that was 2 years ago between me and my ex?
The mail was about us planning a overnight once last time after our breakup. The plan never took place.. Me and my ex met but it ws nt overnight we just met for half a day thats all… After my ex i dated after some time another guy for a period of 3 months … Nothing was between us… However I had written a mail to that guy asking how did he know about my last outing with my ex I refered my last outing in the mail as last time..
My Bf has read that mail too.. He knew about my ex but i never mentioned about the other guy whom i went out 3 to 4 times. I found that not important and significant, would have told in course of time….
He was the person who sent me the article so I could relate. He now does nt want an explanation from me.. He tells me I dont talk about it.. The whole thing I dont discuss or even talk..
He does nt want an explanation he just wants me to talk about it.. He knows its not right and he does nt blame me or make me feel guilty… But he isnt able to cope with it…. However, in practice, they clearly do not. They constantly fawn over guys that are the wild and dangerous type. Same goes for a farm boy who drinks a lot, or a biker dude. So, get over your crying about the fact that the non-virgins you are dating have done the deed a few times; virgins are available, if you would just fix your warped little brain so that you would find those virgins attractive.
My past deeds and experience has eaten me so much that I freak out of every relationship when it starts getting serious. Mine is not hurt but more of shame as to the extent of my ordeals in the past, although I have abstain from intimacy ever since and kept to myself, feeling like am not a virgin when in the actual sense I am.
Please I need advice. However, she had sex with her last boyfriend. She moved to my valley to get away from all of that. When she told me about it, she was 15 and he was This was two years ago. She is now 17 and I am What hurts most is she told me that the last time they had sex was 1 month before we started dating, after she had moved. What do I do to get over this? Hi all, Came accross this article thru a friend… Would like to share a story which a little different which I have read linked to this article.
This was a couple of years ago. I have a friend who is an amazing girl very honest and sweet, but was very very reserved back then. Lately I started noticing the changes in her which were never before.. She had become more open a little bold and more happier. Asked her and she just said I feel good from inside. We have been friends from childhood and never have I know her this way.
It was amazing to see her change. After a couple of months I saw her being a bit depressed asked why was so. And she told me that some how her boyfriend was getting affected by her past.. Though she knew he was trying to cope with it and was hurted a bit because he was so much in love with her.
She was very supportive of him. But there was this issue of mis trust here. Her boyfriend thought there is much to her past then what she had said. My friend choose not to do anything physical with her ex untill marriage..
And with him she choose to do everything. The amazing part is taking this in pretext, that she choose to do everything with him and not with her ex was eating him up.. He found this hard to believe.
Any which ways she told me if this persists then she may call it off thou she did not want to. She loved him a lot and never wanted to leave him.. After a couple of months everything was sorted. The guy wanted some time she helped him thru and all worked out fine.
She did not give me the details how it all became good. I was just happy to know that all was sorted.. Presently they have two amazing kids and are a happy family. I felt the urge to share this experience as this a bit different then other experiences I read about. Everything is about excepting it , knowing it and letting it be there. Unknowingly we tend to bring the past which is irrelevant to the present and mess up the future. Do comment if something similar you have come across or known.
Daniel — thank you for sharing your story. Like you, my partner is kind, sweet, sensitive, intelligent and incredibly caring — yet, I fail to see these things when I am projecting about choices he made prior to us meeting and subsequently dating. Like you, nothing changed, except this knowledge and my perception.
Right now, I am not willing to walk away from someone because of choices he made in the past. How does he treat me and our love today? Does that forever make me a liar and a horrible daughter? I think you need to look at the whole person and go from there. I was just googleing to find help out there somewhere on the internet. We ended up hanging out and started seeing each other quite often for the past few months and found we are very much alike. I can safely say that I have fallen in love with this girl.
She ended up dating another guy, who ended up cheating on her causing them to break up , and then she slept with another guy a couple times to get back at him. The third guy she slept with was with a guy she met a couple times, and then they had sex in his car that was the only time with him. The last guy was her then boyfriend of 10 months.
Since they dated for so long, I can only imagine their sex got pretty good and that they had a lot of it because they also lived close to each other. I am still a virgin, but I did a lot of touching with three girlfriends in the past. I had two random hook-ups that have led very close to sex, but I would go to the alternative hand job. The girlfriend I had before gave me oral sex which was the first time for both of us, but was also very brief and we stopped before we were finished.
I usually am not bothered by this, but every once in a while I just go into these deep pits of depression and despair. I lost my virginity to her in college, when we look back on this fact it is something we are both ashamed of.
When we first had sex she told me it was something she had promised herself she would never do again. This was the reason she was so ashamed. Thing is now I just want to find this guys, knock on his door and bust his face open. I would say I feel alot of these characteristis listed above. I just wish I could have been there for my wife on that day, knocked the guy out and taken her to her home.
Deep down I know this guy has not won anything and he has nothing on me; I am married to this amazing women, we have a happy life, and we have a beautiful daughter toghether. I guess more than anything I just want to know she does love me and that this other smuck doesnt matter. We all have differing ideals on moralist behaviours, i think its of paramount importance that you let yours be known to your new partner should you go down the history path, this gives yourselves some sort of base to determine if your are compatable.
Certain behavours are all to much for some people and they cannot be overcome , unfortunit but true. Lying about your past can be very damaging, generally its done because the liar, doesnt want to lose you …… yeah.. I have two thoughts I thought I would share, and maybe get support, because I need it. First, my girlfriend who I want to eventually marry is a non-waiter, and has slept with two other people. It makes it much more easy to make comparisons, and shows that she does place some sort of emphasis on sex.
I almost kind of wish she had slept with a lot more people, if she had to have sex with someone. Its difficult for a guy much more so than a girl because of the pressures to be experienced but i REFUSE to give in and give away my virginity like it was worth a dollar. Let me tell you a story about a former prostitute who, through an attempted suicide, began to turn her life around and found the man of her dreams.
They have acquired a gift which is lacking here; a heart of gold. A heart of forgiveness, understanding and realisation. Virginity is so bigged up just as much as losing it, that either side fail to recognise the main ingredient in a relationship; love. Being open and honest in communication, understanding and realising past mistakes and forming a new life together, leaving the old one behind.
That perfect love banishing fear. I fear some of you may destroy your relationships over resentment, anger and so forth, yet preach about respect, level of standards etc, not realising what you have is something special. Appreciate what you have. I spend a lot of time with reformers from all backgrounds. Sometimes, the worst rulebreakers are the best lawmakers. They understand all sides. There are some posts that have stirred a hornets nest. Just wanted to say that after reading your post, it did help me get over what has been troubling me for a while.
I mean my girlfriend now, while dating she told me her past about this guy her first having done sexual acts together but just no sex. I mean, she is a virgin if you see it as no insertion but yet not in a way.. I guess its partly jealousy? I dont care about the whole god doestn like divorce crap, he also doesnt like the husband having constant emotional pain that he doesnt take away even though he is supposed to be allmighty.
I want out becuase of the pain and not feeling valued. Dont marry a non waiter unless you had your fun already…because its the worst pain in the world.. Me and my boyfriend are in relationship for 3 years. He got so close to me and shared many things about his life,and told me that I am so different from other girl and I look good,so kind and understanding.
He was trying to show him self so conservative,and innocent. Finally after giving me so much sign that he likes me.. I from the beginning I was suspecting and feeling insecure about everything.. In September ,during the time we met,then I found a email from that girl that she said she is confused about him and needs space.. During our friendship he mention about that girl with sarcasm that the girls used to like my boyfriend and not him..
And got close to each other.. S and went to brazil for a while and became weired and denying him.. S …and he said he is worrying about our future and destiny.. I am wondering how come he hide the reality from me for 3 years,and his come he start friendship and rejayinshop with me so quick.. What was the reason? Recently, I married a woman who came from a very religious background, much of which had a factor in why I chose to marry her, only to find out that, while she was raised in a strict religious home, as soon as she left for college, she abandoned all teachings from her parents, and became a smoking, drinking, sexing young woman from her early 20s, thrugh her early 40s, the age in which we met and married.
After having candid conversations about sexual partners prior to getting married, after marriage, I constantly began coming across ex-lovers who whe continued to keep in contact with my now wife via facebook, always telling her how beautiful she is, how they like her long weave Vs her shorter hair, how much she meant to them, etc. My wife even had the audacity to invite one particular ex lover she continued to indulge in, off and on for multiple years, to our wedding. Now, imagine my disappointment.
I recognized I was not marrying a virgin, but a promiscuous lier who has slep with well over 30?? Why I do not need a virgin, I do need and deserve the opportunity to build sexual experiences with the right woman, especially if we are to one day be husband and wife, someone who has not been as promiscuous as my soon to be ex wife.
I stumbled across this article last night while I was looking for a way to cope. I was so glad to find the list of emotions and finally be able to understand it all. About a year later I gave her my virginity and I thought it was perfect. It was like an actual fairy tale. Under a tree on a sunny day. Then it started to sink in. It was the most unreal pain and sadness. What makes it worse is I know how it happened I was foolish enough to ask and now whenever something I see or hear or do is related to the instance my memory flares and I think of it.
I know it hurts her. But the mental images are just horrible. No one wants to picture the woman they love with another man. So thank you very much. I learned some fantastic, heart and eye opening things that help me so beautifully. Thank you thank you thank you. I send love your way and I really wish you the absolute best. I am 25 and my girlfriend my first is I never had previous GFs because I was focused in my career.
Sure I had many female friends, we went out, and i dated some of them. I hate her for not thinking of preserving herself for her future husband. So I have a shallow question to get opinions on. I have been dating my current gf for 14 mos. She is divorced and has been for over 2 yrs. We discussed engagements over Xmas and she told me that during her first marriage she had an affair. This affair was with a person we both currently work with. I have never asked anyone to be my wife or even considered it until her.
To make it even funnier I am 38, and always thought I would be a bachelor. How would you handle this situation? How to get over the fact of finding out how many woman your boyfriend has slept with but findi all this information after already being pregnant?
How to cope with this!? Am not a virgin. For the past two years he tore me to pieces, made me feel like i was less of a person. You know it really hurts when someone you truly love keeps tormenting you with what you did and emotionally abuses you.
I went through am emotional roller coaster and i lost so much weight. I am 26 year old, and I am committed with a girl she is 24 and it is totally arranged by family.
Here my issue is I got a call from a stranger and he told he is in a relationship with her for the last 7 years , then after this girl called me and accept these things and ask me to move back if possible.
Later on some how we became very close each other and she broke up with that guy. And now she also admits that she had a physical attachment with this guy only once. She told me like her past relationship stretched for these many years because of this 10 min stupidity. In my case I never had a serious relation ships and a passionate sex but I had lots of 1 night standout sex. In fact I never experienced sex from real love.
But I fact we love each other and I trust her completely. Here I need help , do I really need to go ahead with this girl or better to leave? I love this girl, but she wasnt a waiter anymore, I do understand that it wasnt her fault the guy cheated on her. It should be my fault, for not finding her sooner …. But I still cant help it but feel frustrated and painful, not quiet sure its more painful to be with her, or breaking up, and worst of all, I am afraid of hurting her if we do breakup ….
What an awful amount of Judgemental and extremely insecure not to mention unfactual stuff going on in this article and some of these responses WOW!!!!!! Well I know waiters and non waiters who got together my parents being one couple.
Do you see what you are ALL doing?? Coming on a website asking complete strangers and unqualified at that for their advice abut wether or not to break up from someone you claim to love? If I found out that someone I loved made a decision from asking a question on a yahoo question type forum I would question if indeed we were meant to be together.
I can understand seeking out a professionals advice but all you would get here are opinions Including mine to use the phrase Opinions are like …….. Holes everyone has one and everyone else thinks someone elses stinks… without being crude you can fill in the blanks.
Good Luck ALL of you. I just wanted to tell someone. So I thought my story was unique.. I was a virgin when I met my now wife, and she was previously married.
I actually had been in the same room with her and her boyfriend at the time when they had sex. They assumed I was asleep. We had sex before marriage, but I had never been with anyone else.
The jealousy did not really manifest until a couple years ago. She was contacted on facebook by her ex, and that made me very insecure. She had been with over 10 partners before me, and that really started bothering me, I started losing sleep over it. Realize we have been married 20 years. I will share more about my journey of forgiveness and acceptance soon.
I waited until I married my wife who was not a waiter and our marriage did not last, but not due to anything related to this topic. She stood there calling me a liar using a loud voice. On March 16, w visited Store The waitress Bethina was very nice and polite. My order was taken correctly but the kitchen messed up all the way around.
I ordered grilled chicken which came with red potatoes with onion hash because I asked Bethina what it was like. When my order came I had some kind of sandwich broccoli and mashed potatoes.
She carried it back and came back with the grilled chicken but did not get red potatoes and onion hash. Had the same mashed potatoes and broccoli which by this time was cold. I will not go to this location again. We went to this one because it was close to our hotel and traffic was terrible. Have been to the other one several times and it has always been good and no problems.
The restaurant was full but we were sited fast, when the food arrived my 2 year old was happy to see her pancakes. I just got up and left with my family as just looking at the food was so discussed and nausea. We have had many many calls on it and we will probably have many more.. So me being who I am, tried to call her back a little while later to tell her that receipt is all over face book right now and I wanted to fore warn her that she will probably be getting more phone calls now!
I tried to say okay, i was just trying to forewarn you and say good bye.. IHOP needs to have one of their corporate people call and do an undercover call with her to she for themselves how she handles it!!!
And then take action! There were 7 adults and 2 children in our party. We went at 5: We had a very nice waitress, the restaurant was clean and there were a total of 4 tables being occupied. The waitress took our drink order and when she brought them we placed our order.
It took 45 minutes before we received our meals. Totally ruined my birthday evening…. Normally we love to go to IHOP; however, this was an exception. Upon entering building, 3 groups were waiting to t be called and seated.
The Hostess saw us but called one of the couples up to be seated. Then we still waited to give our names and be seated. Paper was all over the floor, sinks nasty and enough to want to make a person throw up. When I returned, my group was still waiting and had not been acknowledged. Your hostess saw us and the manager who was on the other side of the partition where orders were given, saw us to but to no avail.
Management as well as hostess needs to be replaced. Even if we had to wait, we still needed to be acknowledged and someone say, I will be with you asap. I would appreciate a response to this comment as soon as possible. I will not be going back to this location anytime soon. On the same day they where collecting donations for different organizations. First, we where told that we had to donate before we received the pancakes. As I was waiting for my friend who returned inside from walking outside I again over heard the hostess tell a customer that they had to donate before they could received their pancakes.
When the hostess returned with the manager, along with about ten servers behind her. The first thing she said was that I was not allowed to tell her staff what to do and to leave. I had asked the manager for her name and she said that she did not have to tell me her name. I proceeded to ask for the cooperate number and again she proceeded to tell me that she did not have to tell me that as well mean while she had a staff member call the police on me.
Please contact me at As I was explaining to the staff, NC is a right to work state and a business does not have to have a reason to fire you. But what ruined it for and my family was Sergio one of the waiter, we had the choice of sitting in the front or taking a seat in the back and I choose the seat in back.
I observed Sergio going from his Hispanic customer with such warmth and friendliness. Has I watched Sergio performed his duties he was smiling and pleasant with Hispanic customer, the greeter placed another group of black customer in his section in the same seats we were previously sitting, He addressed like he did us and again completely ignored them completely.
I know nothing was done because when I go back there Sergio will be there again. The service from the Manager went south immediate upon entering the restaurant. Apparently, he was in charge of seating people; when seating me and my family he took us pass several empty cleaned booths to the very back atrium overflow area — by the way NO ONE was seated in that area.
We stopped before we could get to the back of the restaurant and suggested one of the available booths. Well, when the steak came my mother-in-law and I said something is terribly wrong with that steak — and it was! The steak was old and most definitely freezer burned. We called the lovely waitress over and she promptly ask the manager to remove the steak from the bill — he did but never came to the table to see if we wanted something else or to see if everything was okay with the service.
A few minutes later my husband felt the urge to vomit. I brought to his attention how he never checked to see how my husband was doing nor did he intend on saying thank you to us when leaving the restaurant.
I also brought to his attention how long he had spent talking to a couple sitting directly on the other side of us, about his home town of Jamaica — only to bring to his attention his lack of response to our situation. I take this personal and wonder if we were a white family would he have felt safe enough to treat us anyway — WRONG!! It was terrible last night, I was there with my girlfriend and we waited for 40 minutes on our food she ordered 2 x 2 x 2 and I ordered a chicken fajita omelette it took thim 35 minutes to get her order and I still sat there and waited for my order which after 15 more minutes, I decided that this is ridiculous, however the waitress was trying her best to accommodate us, but her customer service skills were not the best.
I think someone needs to come in and manage that restaurant properly and train those people cause a lot of the workers there, themselves were saying that there they have been properly trained.
The manager that was left on duty was a new trainee herself, the seasoned manger up and left, so so sad. I think something needs to be done about it this is gone on too long. Customer service is the heart of any business,. Order was wrong three times and had to drive back on three different occasions! I have been an IHOP customer for almost 30 years.
I have enjoyed it very much. I have enjoyed great service and the highest of respect. The last few months have been horrendous. A few employees have singled me out and have treated me like crap. I am honest, a patriot, a Christian, and a veteran.
The day supervisor has taken their side and joined in the humiliation, instead of correcting the employees. She is very weak and wears her feelings on her sleeve like her employees. She has taught them that good tips from customers are mandatory, rather than earned for their service.
I leave great tips for great service and small tips for sorry service. The employees run this IHOP! They do have some employees who are mature, well- mannered employees. A few are Marta, Charlene, and Allyson. They are the only reason I come here anymore. I plan to continue as long as these continue to treat me with respect as a customer.
I live in Virginia Beach, Virginia. When we first moved here 7 years ago. We came here a couple of times a week because the food was good then and very reasonably priced. What do you want to do run the business in the ground and close up? Your organization needs to listen to the customers and change your way of doing business!!!
We have just moved to the community of Savannah Tx, just north of Frisco. To go to an Ihop we have to drive to Frisco, Mckinney, or Denton. Just a suggestion we need one in this area. There are a lot of seniors in this area that eat out a lot. There is being built a new shopping site on and Preston that would be a great location. I spent 20 years in the hotel customer service field and think it would be a location that would benefit your company.
So what am I meant to do to contact them?! The manager was requested and he was very belligerent and had an attitude when I spoke to him and displayed the house salad did not reflect the picture on the menu, he replied we make it close to the picture.
I never heard of such. I asked the manager his name and he said it is Walter. Do you want my last name to. This is very disrespectful. In addition, I requested appetizer sampler and asked could I substitute the chicken for two pancakes and again was told only fries. Fries are not equivalent to chicken or its protein. Their is no products on menu for vegetarians. To accommodate my substitution with pancakes would not have created an economic breakdown.
Potatoes are much more expensive than dough batter. I am filing a complaint that this situation be addressed and quality assurance with training takes place with customer service. If this is regarding a recent visit at an IHOP restaurant then your feedback will be shared with the franchise owner. A franchise representative will be back in touch using the contact information you provided within business days, if not sooner.
Please be aware that this is an automated reply. We suggest you keep this email so you have your case number for future reference. You ve a restaurant at e cesar chavez ave in a texas city.
You staff noted on the reciept the 2 customers were black. This is in poor taste they need to be better trained and not espouse racially explosive comments such as these. Will be contacting my family and friends and organize a boycott of ihop until this situation is addressed.
You will be hearing fron us! Driving a plane up to an IHOP restaurant and ramming into car is showing that violence is ok to get to your goal. This certainly changes my opinion about how great a family place IHOP is. We waited and waited for the waiter to come back around to our table, we then asked for some clean silverware.
Just in case those were dirty as well?! I was and still am very displeased. After receiving this horrible service, I felt sick having to give this food establishment my hard earned money.
Really, did you have wait for the chicken to lay the eggs first? Yes we are a big party but, 4 tables of 3, 5, 6, and 2 all sat after us have gotten their food and left! IHOP will not be getting our business again. I am posting this to inform all here that IHOP has joined forces with George Soros and his radical leftists and has now pulled their advertising from the Sean Hannity show.
I have been a long time customer of IHOP and have always enjoyed their food; however, I will never again step foot in an IHOP after their decision to join the radical left — or at least cave to their demands. I was in there today and the language from upper staff was horrendous!! There is a short like light skinned female manager i think they called her Angie that has no respect for her employees or customers.
How is Ihop employing mangers that talk to customers and employees in such a way that is unbelievable. Please consider coming to Maryland and checking this location out and trust me you wont believe the BS that goes on while customers are there dining with family!!!!! I would love to share the experience my family had at store at Marburg Ave Cincinnati Ohio on at We arrived and were greeted by a very warm employee at the front who seated us.
Our waitress Sheila that day was very curt on the other hand and not very friendly or helpful at all. Sheila brought me my food and the pancakes for my husbands order. When my husband asked where the rest was she said she would be back. The food was cold even mine. We realized when we went to eat we were never even given utensil to eat with so my husband had to get up and go up front to get them.
The best part was when we went to pay. After everything we went through we were really just wanting to get out of there because our son was getting grumpy and we had other places to go.
I tried to pay with a printed digital gift card that had a bar-code, the card number and a PIN number and instructions on how to use it. Your store manager at this location actually gave us the food for free we never asked for this because NOBODY could figure out how to use this simple digital gift card.
This is the reply I got from your GM:. I would like to start off by apologizing for your experience and the service you recivied. I want to ensure you that is not the standred of service we are in the business of providing. Please accept my apology. And allow me and my staff a chance to show the service that you truly deserve. I would like to offer you a gift card in the hope that u would come back. I should not be expected to come back to the store to pick up a gift card. A gift card should have been offered when I was in the store because I had already explained all of this to the store manager that was on duty.
I work for ihop on bird road in miami , the manager zoila descriminates me , she only has a grudge with me i just started working there like 2 weeks all she does is attitude with me and bad manners , she sent me home october 21 because an employee told me my schedule was from i showed up at 11 and said i was late you not working today go home she dint let me even explain they told me at 11 kept cooking and ignored me.. The store was immaculate and the service was excellent!
I needed to do school work and use WiFi for about 3 hours as I waited for my daughter who was at rehearsals. After letting them know ahead of being seated, Mona offered me a couple of seats that would accommodate my charger. I ordered a chicken salad and it was fresh and delicious. Phillip, who was my server was engaging and tentative. Even after 2 hours of my working he continued to offer service even though I had long finished my meal. There were a couple of human errors, as life often does but the staff handled it all with ease and a great sense of humor.
My kids and i had breakfast at the ihop in burbank. Not the experience I wanted on a Sunday afternoon. The waiter gave us our receipt less then 5 minutes after bring out our food. And informed us that we had to pay him at the table. When we was ready to go we tried to get him to take our payment, but he would walk right by us with out stopping. He would go to the cashier desk and laugh and joke with all his friends that decided to stop by. If any one is in the Pooler area and wants to have good fast food go to one of the fast food places if you want a good sit down and be waited on go to Cracker Barrel they are great that is where we will be going from now on.
After the manager checked the amount he placed the card on the counter and pushed it toward me. He pushed it back to me and said I was fine. The manager then gave me the slip to sign. This is where I made my 2nd mistake. I called the number on the back of the card to check the balance. Where did the money go?
Only the manager on duty knows…. Well, wish I could say eating breakfast!! Only one other table of customers in the whole restaurant and we had to wait more than 35 minutes for our food. No wonder they have no customers!! Waitress is really nice and attentive. Our server Brittany was great. As we were finishing up, I hear someone yelling, we all turned around because we though it was 2 customers fighting. As I look I see a woman standing where the servers pick up the food looking into the kitchen yelling at a young man apparently the cook, I asked our server who that was and she said it was the GM Gwen, I asked your General manager?
Then the GM Gwen went to the kitchen and cornered the gentleman yelling at him. I asked to speak to her waited for 10 minutes and she never came out instead another manager came out, so I told him that I felt that GWEN the GM was very rude and it was very inappropriate behavior for anyone to speak to another person like that. I really hope they remove her from this position it was very degrading to the gentlemen she was scolding and very unprofessional. I went to my local IHOP around 2am a few nights ago.
I usually go there when I cant sleep at night for a bite to eat and a little reading since there are very few folks there. After I was seated I watched as servers just walked by and looked at me without stopping to take my order. After awhile it was clear I would not be served for whatever reason.
As I got up to leave I thanked one of the servers for not serving me. I emailed corporate with my concerns which they referred back to the restaurant I was at. I was contacted by the manager who was very understanding and seemed genuinely concerned how I was treated. When I called corporate at his request it was a different story. The agent handling the call was not only disinterested in the incident, but seemed irritated that I was bothering him.
When I questioned the amount, she became belligerent and very disrespectful when I ask for the phone number to corporate headquarters. She threw my change on the counter. No one who acts like this should be working at your IHOP and would be fired by me. They are the people who work in restaurants preparing and serving us food, in hotels cleaning our rooms while we are on vacation and a multitude of other service workers serving our needs.
Over the past several months this has become a tradition with us every Sunday. She has excellent customer service skills, always has a big smile and a positive attitude!! Without asking, Misty made a special fruit cup adding extra blueberries to the cup. I work in Healthcare, for a company that own ninety-eight 98 hospitals nationally. One of my duties is to train hospital staff members in good customer service skills!
I know great Customer Service when I see it!! If anyone in upper management at IHOP or your parent company read this letter, take note of this staff member.
She is a diamond ready to shine! You need to start to develop her skills and one day to the level of a General Manager! Today was only the third time my wife and I visited this iHOP location. We waited about 20 minutes to be seated as the restaurant was busy. After being seated Taquilla came over and immediately confronted us. She accused us of walking out on out last visit without paying.
She refused to serve us and indicated we should leave immediately. We did show the manager, on our phone, the receipt from Bank of America from our last visit. We have never been accused of a crime by anyone — waitress or law enforcement.
She had a lot of nerve causing a scene accusing us of Theft of Service when we paid in full on both previous visits. Little wonder that IHOP is closing a number of restaurants. With a wait staff that believes it has law enforcement powers, can randomly accuse any customer of a crime and refuse service means the location needs to be closed.
I eat out almost twice aweek and I can tellyou the ihop I go to is always busy and you have a great menu but maybe you should up date it with a few more items that are good for you like gluten free eggs or milk and other things. When I arrived the man at the front asked if I spoke Spanish and if my son 7 years old spoke Spanish as well. I said yes and assumed he would be helping me with my order.
However, he then proceeded to make comments that made me extremely uncomfortable. He asked if I was single. Commented on me smelling good. Made a comment about my shorts. Asked for my number. I several times turned down his request and told him I just wanted my food. At some point I asked if there was someone else who could help me. He said no, and that he was the only one who would be able to help me. He finally handed my food over, however, when he I went to grab the bag he extended his hand and touched my hand.
The man appeared Latino. He was wearing a white button up shirt. I feel that this is beyond bad customer service, this is harassment. His touch was unwanted and I found it offensive. Not only that, but this happened in front of my son who is a minor. My son does understand Spanish and later asked me if I was ok. My family nor any family, should be experiencing something like this when all we wanted was to pick up food.
This person should not be interacting with customers or children. We are truly shaken and feel let down by our experience. If he felt so comfortable to treat us this way, how can we be sure he has not done it in the past or will do it again to another person. This Becky woman further went on and filed a trespassing against me, so if i go back into this IHOP i will be arrested. Tammy Carter and Telisha Mclemore are crooks. They steal time, food, and other money and blames it on other workers.
Tammy fought a crew member a few months ago and the crew member was fired. Tammy and Telisha fought a pregnant crew member today and both still have their job.
Both, Tammy and Telisha bullies the crew members who are afraid of losing their job. Tammy even went as far as disabling the camera one night while money was stolen and blamed on another employee. This location has been in need of new management since this location opened. The restaurant in Plainview,Texas Located at N.
Interstate 27 is full of corruption. This has happened several times to several different girls. They also have their waitresses take coffee and tea money from customers but not enter it in the system and pocket the money instead. To me this would seem like a huge loss to the company.
On top of that they regularly give huge discounts to family members and often times cook food to take home to their families. This would seem again to be a huge loss for the company. This results in them sometimes sitting up to 2 hours with no pay. The most heartbreaking of all is that a young waitress reported sexual harassment by a coworker and was written up for wasting the managers time because the manager had to report the harassment. I really think this restaurant should be investigated for corruption and skimming customers and their wait staff.
I know for sure this is both illegal and immoral and I will never go in this restaurant again and will encourage all my friends not to eat there. Decided to have a bit of fun on my 64th birthday. So I signed up for a series of birthday meals at a number of restaurants. Spent the day going from place to place with a number of family members.
I explained my coupon hadnt been recieved yet however I asked for the meal. I was turned down in my request. By the way since we were seated we stayed.
I ordered the cheeses sticks. I would suggest a new supplier. If I could rate this a zero I would. We ate there at 2am when it was very slow. Noticed it was not the cleanest we have been too. Since it was Memorial Day weekend we assumed they were busy. No excuse to be dirty. The table was not cleaned, there were crumbs and sticky area all over the seats and walls. Had I went to the bathrooms before we ate i would of walked out and never looked back. I cannot tell you the amount of trash on the floor and the overall nasty things I saw!
I formerly worked in Oswego, IL but I moved because the management because too favorable over there. I thought things would be different but this place is worse. I would not feel the need to contact corporation if it was not this bad.
First of all, the workers there show a highly unprofessional aspect. We have gotten complaints before but the manager does not do anything about it. They wear their hair all over the place, including down several times. They also wear leggings and Nike shoes and neither the manager nor the district manager calls it to their attention. But why not with the rest? To add to that, there are people with less experience who obtain more days when I frequently ask to work.
Yet the manager continuous to give them special privileges. Furthermore, the kitchen staff act higher than the manager. No one ever wants to close, and the manager has forced me to do doubles because he has no one else.
I am not old enough to be closing but i do it to help. He sometimes tries to schedule me just because a server says he cannot close. People leave whenever they want without doing side work because they have children. And the manager tolerates it and makes me stay until 6 almost every weekend. The tables are all filled with syrup since I first started working there, which was about a year ago. We are always out of stuff as well. One night we ran out of buttermilk batter!
We have talked about these issues with the district manager and he visits but ignores everything or he goes but everyone ignores him and goes back to wearing whatever uniform they decide.
The majority of google reviews for us is that the IHOP is a joke. We give out so much free food because of minimal complaints, and because the servers refuse to abide by simple rules of wearing the uniform. I have a great love for IHOP but it is unfortunate to see that the people in charge, even those is a greater position than the manager do not care the same way. There are so many people who leave upset. We had inspection this past Monday and the lady was upset as soon as she walked in.
She said people needed to began getting written up but the manager ignore this mandate and we failed the inspection too. I wish something could be done. A surprise visit to set everything in place or just a wake up call to those in charge. My long list of unfortunate experiences with IHOP began about a month ago. My coworker called in to order and the number kept ringing continuously, it was never answered so eventually she hung up.
She tried two more times and got the same result. We were a little confused but we believed we may just have the wrong number so we searched the internet for the correct phone number, and to our surprise the only number listed anywhere was the one that no one had been answering. We waited about 15 minutes and then decided to try again in case they had just been busy or someone had been on break and no one in the back heard the phone ringing.
So for the fourth time we tried calling in, finally the phone was answered and we were instantly asked to remain on hold. We did so patiently for 20 minutes, and after we still had never had anyone come back to the phone or take our order we hung up. By this point we were very frustrated, but our boss was insistent that she only wanted IHOP so we decided to try one more time. We called in, again the phone was answered this time by a rude man and not the female who had answered previously , he asked us to remain on hold and instead of muting the phone or actually placing us on hold he must have just laid the phone down and walked away because we could still hear all the noise in the background.
We waited there for half an hour listening to the cussing and yelling of the staff working around the phone, none of whom bothered to come back and take our order or check to see why the phone was off the hook.
At this point we had been trying for two hours to place an order so we decided to just give up. He even offered to email us coupons for a free meal to apologize for our inconvenience, assuring us that we would receive them within 24 hours. It has now been about two weeks and we still never received any coupons or email whatsoever. However, we decided to try one last time and called today to place an order… and once again we were placed on an indefinite hold.
We are beyond disgusted and will never order from this or any IHOP again! This is the worst customer service I have ever experienced in my life! She is constantly harassed and spoken to like a piece of trash. She is a waitress and currently still in high school they work her like a dog for hours and only one break.
A manager has cussed her out on the dinning room floor in front of customers and other employees. Another waitress has threatened her and physically out her hands on her yet the manager on shift has done nothing and general manager only says she will make sure they are not on the same shifts but I feel there should be consequences for their actions. There is no reason she should be worked like this and treated this way! I work at the Ihop located in Harvey,Louisiana.
I was hired as a cook yet am expected to do everything with no one actually training me. They managers treat u with so much disrespect. Ive been called worthless , cursed at and talked about. They are extremely unprofessional. I bring a lot of concerns to my General manager what does seem to make a difference. I am really fed up with the constant disrespect and being treated poorly at the same time I continue to stay because I need to support my family, I would like something to be done.
I would like to keep my job but get rid of this extra unnecessary stress. I went to the IHOP in Elizabeth, NJ May 5th to treat myself mistake…The hostess stated the wait was 10 minutes so I waited after 10 minutes someone else started calling people who came in after me. Still was not an issue because I was a party of one.
But after 30 minutes I asked to speak to a manager, the hostess who spoke and read English could no longer speak or understand English. The cashier began a conversation in Spanish sorry I speak English only.
I never spoke to a manager, was never seated. They just stared because they could not understand me. I left, it was cleared I was not going to be helped. If you feel like a plate of discrimination go there. M at the location Dont know his name but has no respect for the employees witness bad talking to his employee… never will return to that restaurant.
Waitress went and told the we were ready to order and she waved her off. After that it still dragged on for one and a half years, with me not being able to grasp what he had done and what he was doing. I wanted soooo badly to keep him in my life, and he took advantage of that.
We turned into friends with benefits, with me being in utter agony the entire time. And that was when I can honestly say I hit the rock bottom. Sorry for the rant: Thanks guys for all your posts, and of course to Nat for all her wisdom. This article was perfect for me. We worked together, and he left his fiancee for me. I should have known better, but I was so flattered by his fascination with me that I thought I was finally having a real relationship.
I went through months of his tears over the ex, who he told me treated him like crap. Then my gut screamed at me to get out, he would break up, the cycles would roll, and he kept pursuing me.
Working together made it hard to keep NC. As soon as I would feel like I was moving on, we would get put on a project together and it would start all over again. He was so good at what he did. He was far from physically charming but there was something about him that drew me strongly. He even convinced me that our non-relationship was in fact something I could not live without.
The breakup would have been fine had I not discovered that he was on eHarmony during our on-again period and also discovered he was getting a little close with one of his camping buddies.
He swore nothing happened, defending the online dating with an excuse, and swore he and the girl were just friends. I only opened up these lines of communication because it was required at work, but he knew he was losing his hold on his possible Yo-Yo side piece and tried to break me down with his words. It was only a month after the official breakup and he started to tell me that, yes, they were now seeing each other now there were pictures of them all over a social meeting site over the months we were dating and trying to make things work and that I should be aware in case I should run into them at Target.
Here I had done my due diligence and went complete NC, even despite the few feet of distance that barely separated us, and he drilled through in order to hurt me more by confirming he was overlapping during the last weeks of our relationship. I luckily found another job and left, but not after being verbally accosted by him daily at work before I reported him to management. I found out through a mutual friend that he moved in with her just recently. Barely 3 months after he last came to my house and tried to have sex with me.
I have been single since, and try not to think about him, knowing he was never right for me, but the overlap has killed my spirit. Thank you for this, and thank you for this post, on this Thanksgiving Eve, 2 years to the day that we first got together. This is me through and through.. I then went onto process the loss of the 2 year relationship while he went on and moved in with her within the month.
Its been 7 months and i have constantly had the thoughts that you write about today going through my head. I have only got through the last 7 months with your help Nat.. And articles like these just make you feel like you can cope a little better. I am going to a wedding on the weekend and he will be there with his new girlfriend. I am actually the wedding photographer so this will be a challenge but i will be taking your wise words along with me.
The wedding is over and i managed to get the job done. It was incredibly hard to watch the person you have spent the last 2 years with, with someone else. And overhearing him call her children his children. I have shed my tears but my recovery and grieving will continue. There is a quote I love: And I know why I did it, because of the things you say, I was looking for a way out, I dont find it easy to break up with someone etc etc.
So I do hope that people will see this and not tar all overlappers with the same brush. OK maybe men are less caring than women, but then again, that is generalising, which you can never do. Not all people are the same. Some do things intentionally, uncaring… but some dont. Some do it as self protection and not on purpose. Breaking up with somebody — and I do mean a relationship wich left you feeling like the rug was pulled from under your feet — is an emotional drain. To overlap this state of mind and feeling, with a person who deserves more than to step into a bag of hurt, is simply unfair.
Not everything is about you. Sam even if you have feelings about it, overlapping is still a character flaw. It is also not good for you, yourself. Not overlapping relationships gives you breathing room and time to assess what happened in the last breakup. Been there, done that, we are all built the same and noone gets away from it. The reason there is so much generalising is that it has happened to so many people. Sure not everyone is the same and results of someones actions are not the same, but you certainly have to reflect on your past and figure out what is going on inside of you to act like that.
If you can move so freely from relationship to relationship perhaps your were never really fully committed to any of them. Meditate, take time, breathe, the answers are there you just dont want to face them. Ultimately, though, we have to face up to our responsibilities for our actions, choices, and decisions before we can move onto a better future.
Otherwise life becomes a miasma of making excuses for yourself, for other people, and accepting all kinds of crap from yourself and others.
So you could get hurt yourself. Better to take a break between relationships than overlap. I came to my relationship with a clean slate. It was two years since his last relationship, so he was in good shape too. Some part of them may even long to change their hurtful behaviors.
I have to disagree with you on this one. Many of them here within the stories, show a clear lack of conscience, empathy, remorse or guilt. Those are signature characteristics of personality disorders. These people are incapable of change. This comes up often on the site, and I am afraid that we seek this as an answer, other than acknowledge our own compliance in poor relationships — keeps the focus off us and our responsibility for putting up with crap.
There was a time in my life where I could have easily been labeled with many psychological disorders. Yet, here I am today a moderately happy and healthy person. Some more than others. Yes, surely there are. To me this is like asking if evil exists in the world. Is there such a thing as being inherently evil and can that evil or ugliness ever be changed; is evil or ugliness beyond redemption…I for one do not believe that anything is inherently evil or good.
There is a little bit of both in all things — and all people. I agree with you Freya yayyyyy! I agree it does not change the past or what I tolerated, but it does matter. The important thing is not to become stuck trying to work them out. I can see that, it probably had the same effect for me to label mine an EU AC. The way that I see it now, though — and this is based on my fairly-functional-but-still-not-very-good relationships with fairly-functional-but-still-not-very-available men, is that there are two ways of viewing relationships.
Mine so far have always been based on both of us effectively using the other person to boost our own sense of self-esteem and personal power, rather than on any sort of collaborative effort. Imo, somebody can be a psychopath or they can be a well-meaning but careless and selfish donkey.
Or too depressed to care about anyone. All of them can jog on. Yoghurt, i have refrained from calling the MM a psychopath or a nacissist though i do find it interesting and useful when i read other peoples experiences and realise that he was far from unique, and that almost every aspect of his behaviour fell into a recognisable pattern.
But calling him a narcissist or a psychopath is too grandiose for my taste. He was a human being, and he did have his good points and his vulnerabilities. Calling him those names is almost like putting him on a pedestal. It would just confirm that he has all the power and control. It is hard for me at the moment to view him as a human being with good points and vulnerabilities, but I suppose he has them. Like admiring the bodywork on a car with no engine. And actually it was that kind of thinking, refusing to see the whole, that got me in a mess.
I have to find some kind of narrative or name or explanation for it in order to be able to put it behind me. I think that the key points are that: I think that my problem with the terms comes when people start to see them as some sort of super-evolved evil genius.
Freya and Yoghurt, I agree with everything you said. And again, does it matter? Own your part of what happened, learn from it and move on and hopefully have a better experience next time. True, there are a lot of bad experiences that women share here, some of the ACs have habitual tendencies sure, but none of us can claim they are not capable of evolving, learning, growing. It may take another experience outside of the ones we speak of here but all people are capable.
No one gets extra credit for longing to change hurtful behaviour, failing repeatedly to do so, but insisting on continually acting out regardless. My heartstrings seem to remain completely untugged at such a plight. We were horribly disappointed to see them laugh in our faces at the very notion. Because, naturally, if you were perfect and powerful and attractive and better than everyone else and successful at using women for sex before casually tossing them away like garbage, would you change?
Lawrence the one guy I dated who is the biggest ac ever, did have remorse and he was sometimes sick of himself and wanted to change his behavior. But his remorse did not last long and he was back to his old tricks, the longer I stayed around the less he felt responsible for the azzholish things he did to me and other people. So its no wonder some of these people are thought to be inhuman monsters. You never considered the other person and how it may effect them.
Ignorance is not an excuse for cheating. Your reasons for overlapping are somehow more acceptable? Because you feel bad? You want it both ways. Take responsibility for your own actions without excuses. Look a little deeper. And it was then that I realised that there was a disconnect between my behaviour and my expectations.
Both of us then went on to have very nasty unhealthy relationships with the newbies — I heard on the grapevine that he broke up with his after a year but I wasted most of my twenties on mine, partly because I felt as though I had to justify my previous behaviours.
I think that there are four good reasons for maybe examining your behaviour. Being so unprepared to handle the uncomfortable aspects of the end of a relationship that you prefer to push ALL of the discomfort and pain onto the other person is weak.
Getting into a relationship but being unprepared to take the possible consequences of it ending IS sorry! Btw, feeling bad about something but continuing to behave in the same way IS refusing to face your feelings or your conscience. Yoghurt,Great Post and I totally agree with all you said. My AC was 56yrs old.
Then they want to be there for you. Like u want to lick my wounds you inflicted. Go away, far, far away…. For me, in a nutshell: Getting into a relationship is an adult thing to do. Breaking up requires the same care and emotional maturity. You have to be prepared for any outcome and handle people with care. Sam, you have certainly received lots of feedback. I think you kind of walked into this one, but for me, this sums it up: As for not doing things intentionally, yeah I can understand when my son says that after accidentally hitting the cuckoo clock with a tennis ball, but cheating?
And feeling guilty is no excuse. As my mom always says, feeling guilty is the price you pay for doing whatever it is you want to do. Those two statements contridict each other.
I think you should read all the posts and read and see how the action of overlapping leaves people feeling. Like he was some sort of magnet for the other sexe. I really believe in our hearts, we KNOW this kind of explanation, read, excuse, is very very poor. I felt insulted like: Well Sam, you sure stirred things up. I understand what you are saying about your behavior being a form of self protection.
I swear I hear a note of remorse or regret — or is it shame — over your own actions. The most important thing is to always do what you think is right — even if no one else agrees with you. It is shortsighted and hurftful and disrespectful to everybody involved.
No matter how great the other woman, no matter how much fun he thinks he has. How much they agreed with his behaviour.
And ultimately for example ended up here, desperate for answers. And these are the answers his comment results in. I hope Sam listens carefully. All of the women who have come clean about overlapping have been met with support. I see him being ruthlessly torn apart. He deserves to be understood and supported in a gentle manner just like everyone else here.
I even agree with you. On the contrary, he was excusing himself big time. And he is welcome to help ending the image many of us got from his comment. I do not feel the urge to be a Florence Nightingale to this man. The bother is often that the justification for these sorts of things like: It meant I had to start taking responsibility for my own stuff. Sometimes sympathy for the wrong thing is really more like enabling.
I think Sam may have been looking for some truth here, not sympathy. That encourages me that deep down they want to change. Sam grow up please as I believe that what goes around comes around.
As an adult you have responsibilities towards yourself and anyone you are in a relationship with. Overlapping also known as cheating! My second husband met a woman on the internet and while pursuing a relationship with her kept me in the dark that there was even a problem in our relationship.
I had no clue until i started to feel the disconnection from him and thought i should investigate what was going on. He denied everything until one day, viola!
I guess she got tired of him being married and she deceided to have her friend call me to let me know about their secret life. Needless to say I kicked him out, got a divorce, only to have him boomerang back when things were not so great for him. He knew what he had with me, but yet thought the grass was greener so he deceided to graze. I am sure these patterns repeat themselves, so I have no doubt that she too will fall victim someday if she ever gets her head out of her ass.
They have a child together now, she just recently let him move back in with her for the third time. He tells me they are trying for the kids sake. I say good luck to all who have been through something like this.
Its not easy, but some people cannot bear to be alone. I believe think that overlapping i. I am happy to be alone and at peace with who I am and I thank him for teaching many lessons about what love isnt about.
This is really hitting home for me right now. The ex-AC and I had a very sudden, unexpected breakup ie. Of course, when I confronted him, he flat out denied it. Well, he was cheating on me- my suspicions were confirmed by a reliable source. The thing that has me reeling is that he is back with his ex.
Safe to say, I never saw this girl as a threat. Was our relationship ending anyways and she just happened to be there? Or did he really choose her over me? Either way, I was definitely overlapped and it sucks. Piecing together our last week as a couple it becomes so clear he was seeing her then and doing his best to hide it from me.
You are left wondering what was real and what was fake. That is such a common story. I hear it a lot. Two, more than once. I have to say it makes me uncomfortable about getting too close to either of them. Even the one trying to change her behaviour, a journey I offered her a great deal of support with, because she again got involved with a MM despite her efforts.
I always wonder, are these women people who would do such a thing to me? Just a little damaged or manipulative or low esteemish in that area I think. Teachable, I have to see the woman every day at work! The way it was told to me was a classic. Then he says, yes, she has met somebody else. These people have a sense of their entitlement to behave as they please, without even paying lip service to common decency and good manners.
But my life is fab. When I get room in my schedule, I might be bothered with another man — but then again….. You may need to look at using other things he wants from you as leverage. Again the legal advice will help. I strongly doubt he will be first ever hostile ex hubby refusing to sign divorce papers as a way of seeking revenge….
Yr obvious growth is jumping right off the screen! It is precisely what I lived. I get to go it alone. Smack me again upside the head again for getting involved with a MM. There is simply no way in hell to win with a MM.
Two years later and it is the same answer…just SHIT. I still have these moments of anger. Thank you Natalie for providing a safe place for my two years worth of anger.
But I still want to smack his stupid head. His overlapp is stupid. His overlapp is called cheating! Runnergirl, I picked up on the same paragraph. You want what you had to mean something….. Those words hit home big time. Today, I donated every single dollar to two organisations helping woman who have lost their babies. I sent him the receipts.
I am far from wealthy,I had to leave my job because of stress and could have used the money, but I now feel as if I have respected myself. I also want the relationship to have meant something and it did TO ME. I also still want to smack his stupid head and who knows maybe I have.
And sent him the receipts, wow! I hope guilt is eating him up now, at least at some inner obscure neurotic level. Once I fell in like with someone when I had a bf. I decided to break up with the bf and not date the new crush.
I felt it was disrespectful to do so. I have had it done to me a couple of times. One guy was dating his neighbor while he was dating me and I was so blind I had no idea.
One day he thanked me for being such a good friend to him and that was it. I never saw him again. It was his friend that told me after the fact about the other woman. I was like 26 so I chalk that one up to youth and inexperience. I never in my life felt so worthless. It was like everything we had together was meaningless. I felt like a dirty napkin he tossed in the garbage after a satisfying meal. It took me a long time to get over that crap.
I do have one example where I was glad it happened. My bf and best friend were actually dating behind my back. I knew it was happening and kept telling them to just come clean and tell me the truth and I would not be angry. BUT, two weeks after he broke up with me they moved in together.
She got pregnant shortly after and they were married. Why am I glad this happened? Because they guy was a total shovanist pig.
Besides, her karma for going behind my back is to have to deal with him for nearly the rest of her life — and trust me, he makes her life a living hell. OMG, thank god theres someone out there who gets this! When I met him, I had very little experience in relationships, so I missed the red flag, when he asked me to be his gf, though he met me in several weeks after the 4 year relationship with nother woman has ended! And in two weeks or so he added a picture to his FB profile, where he stood with 2 girls.
One of them became pregnant with his baby in 3 or 4 months and now she is his wife. Of course, I was terribly hurt to realise he had an eye for another girl while he was still with me, and I felt bad months and months after that, and he was enjoying his new life. And if she knew he has another woman , but still was OK with that, well, they both deserve each other!
I have a friend who is an over-lapper. She told me she was afraid of being alone one night as she was having a break down. But then she met someone else and was finally able to leave the bad relationship. The abusive guy gets home with no clue that she had moved on to someone else, and he had a hard time understanding that it was over and why she had ignored his emails and calls when he was out of town she never was truthful with him, just tried to blow it off.
He made it difficult an kept trying to get answers from her, but she managed to convince the new guy that the old guy was just a crazy ex who kept coming back trying to win her over again. Lucky for her, the ex had quickly met someone else maybe not-so-lucky for that someone else as well and dropped her, although with hard feelings. Now she is getting married to that boyfriend. They seem super happy, so good for them.
All these comments hit too close to home about my previous relationships. I really dont feel like rehashing the past so I will just leave this alone. All I can say is, I need another bad relationship and some more emotional abuse like I need a hole in my head. I think I will pass. It appears that of all the kinds of breakup pain that are out there, this must be one of the worst.
A hard article for me to read too. Instead of being angry about it, I felt sorry for the new woman as I knew what her relationship will be like… Constantly comparing to the ex etc. Hannah… You seem wise beyond your years. I probally have kids your age.. Good for you, I wish these sites were around when I was younger.. I think because I got into therapy so young I knew I needed time between relationships to clear my head. My problem was I can quite comfortably let that extend to a tad too much time!
LOL All good though. Much rather be taking my time for all the right reasons than go into a relationship wanting someone else to meet unmet needs I really need to meet for myself.
I want one because it will enhance all of those things which I will already have within myself. PS Just call me the tortoise of BR!
I met my first love again after 20 years. Because we lived on different continents to that time, we started mailing and did skype for month! When I came finally back to Europe and we met, it felt like a dream come true! I was so in love- and so he seemed to be, too.
I was so much in love, but although unsure, because everything went so fast fast forwarding and future faking as I know now! To make it short: On a friday he begged me to come- the next monday I told him I decided to come and live with him… Hours later he texted me back: But it was true!
I found her on facebook and he quickly moved in with her. Three weeks after our reunion! Some time later I learned, that he had not been divored, that he was still married! Actually he lived a normal family- life with his wife, while he charmed me- only beeing separeted from her and his kids during the week, because of his work. His wife texted me on facebook, that their marriage split up the day after he met me and she found out!
See, this is why I hold ACs accountable for causing so much suffering. This guy begged you to give up your life and move to another country… all to stroke his massive ego. They prey on vulnerable people, just like any con artist. When we made first contact, I lived in the US for a year. During this year we grew close again, we made Skype every day and he told me that he was only waiting for me to come back to Europe and that he wanted a relationship with me.
He never waited for me- alone and divorced He was married all the time and his wife had no clue! Thank you all for sharing your stories, time and advice!!! My Narc husband left me on my Birthday have secured a relationship before he left me. Left me on several other occasions for other women, only to come back crawling again.
He is a seriel overlapper and I feel sory for this woman because eventually she will find out what he is like. This has been the most abusive relationship I have ever had and after 6 months I am just begining to heal. My advise to anyone who has experience this is get-out and stay-out. When I was very young 19, 20 I was an overlapper. Fast forwarding and possibly future faking. While dating my last bf, I found out that he had still been seeing on the side his last gf whom he was supposedly broken up with for 4 months and once met me, he cut contact.
I then saw him out with a couple of different girls and found out that he married the third one 9 weeks after he met her. All I can say is, that it all became clear. I dont want to be an overlapper, nor do I want to have anything to do with one. There will be an immediate exit next time I find out that I overlapped some other girl. This sooo describes my at work AC. He was in some sort of relationshit with a woman miles away while using me to close the attention gap during the week.
He also flirts with women at college-wide gatherings when current gf is not there. Nope, no conscience in play there. I understand you and recognise the same feelings by myself. I was too desperate to let him go, I thought maybe the other woman was a pushover, because I took too much time to make a decision concerning moving together within 3 weeks!
I got new expectations in him, because he soon regretted his decision. He started writing me ambiguous and flirty again and dumped the other woman after few month. Then he asked me to meet him, but I played it a little harder and he got angry and gave me a silent treatment for one month: Then he was back: And thanks to BG I can see him differently… which makes me slowly to feel better… But yes, the thought of having him a love- child with an other woman still hurts in my heart — although my head knows better!
But the connection between head and heart is difficult to make! I desire absolute neutrality towards him…. Marissa why are you putting yourself through this? Have you read Natalies posts about being friends with these men? Not in any form.
Go no contact and let him miss you whilst you forge a new life. Unless you are able to hear about his fantastic new girlfriend and his plans for a future with her and think it is all great then you have no business pretending to be his friend.
You are allowing yourself to be an option and it is demeaning. I did this myself, only for a couple of weeks, but it did not end well and I really regret it. Life is so much better being totally NC. I think I stole it from one of the others. Might have been Grace, CC or Rev. I think it myself whenever I catch myself romanticising about the ex. You know who this guy is — has disrespected you and others — yet you continue to be his friend????
I recall doing an overlap once in my life… in high school.
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