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I am writing this column from Amsterdam, — I am there with my daughter Rose to celebrate her 18th birthday. Back in London, it is her sister Jean's 20th birthday today. It is sometimes said that the tragedy of having children is that one day they have to grow up, but it occurs to me now how wrong that is.
Young children are, undoubtedly, a special gift of creation. Even taking into account their propensity for exploding into furies, tears, tantrums and unfathomable fits of stubbornness, they are power grids pumping out positive energy.
Also, their helplessness and neediness flatters the parents — we become heroes in their eyes, almost gods. At the moment, my six-year-old daughter, Louise, is going through a phase of father-worship, welling up with excitement every time I come home. But Rose and Jean are way beyond that phase. They have the wry cynicism about their parents that those who have seen through some or other clever illusion possess.
I am well on the way to feeling tolerated as much as loved. I have not found this easy — Jean's transition from true believer to profound sceptic was especially painful, perhaps because it was my first experience of such a transition.
However, it is a different kind of relationship, a more genuine one, rooted in a greater reality about who both parties are. Certainly there is often a difficult bridging period to go through, the teenage years, in which children separate from their parents. I have been relatively lucky in this — neither Rose nor Jean were particularly different from who they were as children as they negotiated adolescence.
But the sense of your children becoming real people rather than "your children" is something that produces mixed feelings — an experience the parent no doubt shares with the child. Jean is rather less tolerant of my perceived faults than Rose. She is nevertheless someone whose company I enjoy greatly. She tells me that she considers me a friend and I take pleasure in her company because she provokes me and challenges me, and makes me laugh even when she's putting me on the defensive.
This friendship is only possible because she doesn't see me through rose-tinted spectacles. This switch of world view from the idealised to the realistic is not an automatic process — it seems to me a lot of people hold on to an airbrushed view of their parents right up until they die and beyond. This is a way of not growing up, of still remaining dependent at some level.
I thought a lot of my own father, but I never had any doubts that he was a flawed human being, not a hero. I learned as much from his faults as from his merits. Spending this week with Rose, I am aware that she, too, has become a friend. That means that the relationship has in many respects become a relationship of equals, a reciprocal arrangement. She is shedding light on the world for me, just as I once did for her.
When we walk through the art museums and sculpture parks, her interpretations of the work impress me and enrich me she is going to art college in September. We can walk through the streets of the red light district, the smell of dope in the air, and share the absurdity and sadness of the whole spectacle.
When I look at Rose and Jean, though, I don't feel "job done" and pat myself on the back for producing such impressive daughters. The older I get, the more I realise I had almost nothing to do with producing their characters. They were who they were from the start — they just became more so. I tried to give them a stable upbringing and a rudimentary sense of justice, but otherwise, they are both their own work. I can only say that I am very happy that they have both done that work so well.
Topics Family Tim Lott's Family column. Parents and parenting features. Order by newest oldest recommendations. Show 25 25 50 All. Threads collapsed expanded unthreaded. Loading comments… Trouble loading?
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Lott, D. (, May). Predictors of sexual recidivism: Did meta-analysis clarify the role and relevance of Adult attachment scoring and classification systems. Let us look first at the social learning theory. The social They start copying the behaviour of an adult of the same sex (Lott & Maluso, ). Direct reward and. Aug 2, Tim Lott: The relationship with my elder daughters has in many respects When I look at Rose and Jean, though, I don't feel "job done" and pat.