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Yet suspicious husbands are also dab hands at checking their wives' inboxes. All the women I spoke to were obsessive about covering their technical tracks. Laura, 51, a reflexologist from Hertfordshire, with a teenage son, has had three affairs over the past 10 years with men she has met on various websites. She uses specialised software to make sure her computer shuts down moments after she uses it and its history is wiped clean.

She has two mobiles: She checks at the same time every day before hiding it — separately from the sim card — in her Christmas-present drawer. One man I used to see had his wife discover us because he got a speeding ticket from Oxfordshire where we were meeting, rather than Birmingham where he said he was. Another linked his mobile to his satnav when he was driving his family to his mother's.

A text came through and the satnav boomed, "Hi, sexy. Laura is adamant that her affairs are saving her marriage rather than putting it at risk. He leaves the loo seat up, burps and expects his washing to be done as if by magic. He's got a bit fat and resents any suggestion that he lose weight.

He's never been the romantic type, never says, "I love you," or tells me I'm looking good. My EMAs help me tolerate all that. I love the flirtations, the flattery. I'm looking to be adored, to be treated like a goddess much more than I'm looking for sex.

It's just so lovely to have someone compliment the necklace I'm wearing. My confidence has blossomed. But can a woman really have her ego bolstered, without losing her heart? Minna, 30, a part-time administrator from Glasgow, has had two affairs with fathers at the school her two young children attend, while her husband was working abroad.

This time round I'm being much more businesslike. I tell myself it's just a fantasy: Like most of the women I spoke to, Minna worried not so much about her husband learning of her affair as about what discovery would mean for their children. And how would Minna feel if she were betrayed? She chews her lips. I'd be very hurt. So for thirtysomethings is monogamy now, as Miller puts it jokingly, 'just a type of wooden furniture'? Certainly the temptations are ever increasing.

The therapist Andrew G Marshall, the author of How Can I Ever Trust You Again , cautions, 'Both men's and women's sense of entitlement has gone upwards but sex is still incredibly difficult to talk about.

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